...has always been hard for me...
I've always approached everything in my life as a project.
Being a very goal-driven person, I need something to reach for, to strive for.
Most people think I am highly motivated but I know better. I know that if I stop moving, deepest laziness will overcome me and I won't move, happy in my inertia, happy to sit and watch the world go by.
I am a very committed person.
I persevere and work at things; however, not to a point where I develop any sort of deep expertise.
In whatever endeavor I engage, I seem to reach the brink into "expertise" and as that door opens...I turn to other things.
I also have a tendency to concentrate on a single activity to the exclusion of others.
I am a study in contradictions.
I hate people, and I love them.
I hate food but I love to cook.
I hate to eat but I am not your uber-skinny anorexic type.
I hate noise but I love the city.
I am excessive but not addicted.
I have a busy life filled with hustle and bustle but I crave peace.
I am outgoing but very private. My closest friends know that I don't gossip and don't like to be talked about. I don't have to tell them; they know instinctively. As I told my Hunny Bunny the other day, it's not about what
is being said, it's about control over one's own communication, the freedom to and the freedom not to. It's my personal stuff and it affects no one else - at least not in any real direct way if you consider thought to affect the fabric of the cosmos. The knowledge of my personal information does not impact the lives of other people. I choose to communicate when I want and how I want. To have that taken away is insulting. I know, it's weird, but there it is. I am what I am...
I claim to be a non-conformist but I am a part of an "establishment" of the oldest of Old Boys Network, otherwise known as...an Investment Firm.
Given that I tend to live out on the fringes of the edge of the reality spectrum, it's amazing that I am as balanced as I am. I think. I tend to see things a little differently and often take the contrarian view. Not contrarian as in "the opposite." But more of a "side-step." Hard to explain.
My world has always been consumed by work.
Work is how I define myself and how others define me.
I am married, and have no children. Not yet anyway.
I work, I run. I cook and I buy too much food for two people.
Those are the small facts that describe me.
But the fact is that the summary of what I would LIKE
to do tell you more about WHO I am.
I want to be more charitable, volunteer more, I would like to get a degree in religion and theology - not to preach but to be a better person, I would like a child - a little girl that I can dress up and who I hope can help save a small part of the world one day, I would like to run more, go to the gym and stick to it, take yoga classes and stretch more - daily practice would be ideal, remember to do my in-home facials - my father (being the doctor that he is) instilled in me the idea that you need to take care of you skin- gasp! who would have thunk it??,
read more, learn more - I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge and the ever-elusive "truth
", and to understand. I would like to meditate more (formally and not just when I am running), go to the temple and learn what it's about, I would like to sing in a church choir, take voice lessons and piano lessons, I would like to dance again and feel the music going through my soul. I would like to hike the Himalayas, and travel the Appalachian Trail and meet the people who live there.
I want to give more, love more, share more, live more.
I want to embrace the world.
I want to be one with the universe.
Small things that add up to be too much - to ask for, to achieve, to ever imagine as possible. At least, not without winning the lottery of some sort. And...what would I do with all those experiences and knowledge? I haven't figured that out yet. Which is probably why it won't happen - why waste all that on someone who can't figure out what they would do with this gift?
Regardless, I trudge on. They say that realization is the first step of any journey.
Every day I realize the imbalances in my life create want and need in my mind and soul.
Every day I hope to creep a tiny bit closer to balance.
It all starts in the mind and ends in action.
One step at a time.
I'm getting closer.Hope