Wednesday, January 21, 2009

New Torture with Scary Trainer (TWiST)

How is that for an acronym? I am so clever sometimes, I scare myself. Right-oooo.

So, it's no state secret that:
  1. Scary Trainer has been away when I've been around
  2. That I've been away when Scary Trainer has been around
  3. That traveling around Thanksgiving threw me off for the rest of the 2008
  4. and that I've gain back about 8 pounds.
YES! That is EIGHT WHOLE POUNDS!!! A few pounds here and there is okay. But this much weight is like giving up. I was totally dejected when I stepped on the scale. How could I put in all this work and let this happen??

I have done some soul searching and I will say this whole psychological thing is interesting. I feel like I really try to see myself without the veils of denial and all that. And I told my good Cher that at some point, I could feel something snap inside me, inside my brain. I think it was when I hit the 12 pound marker. And it's like my brain refused to budge.

Deep inside, I heard, "I cant." And "it won't work, I don't deserve it, it's too easy and I have to suffer more, I can't believe I'm almost there and then what will happen, I am scared and I don't know why.?

I also couldn't see myself too well. I have a really fractured self image. First, I took dance. And you know how all us Ballerinas are with self image. I am muscular and I grew up in the willowy south with all the Blond Blue Eyed People. And I had a mother who told me repeatedly that I was a "mistake", and only "ok" in the looks department but only if I didn't stand next to Il-Ju, a girl who was supposedly perfect and the one she always compared me to. And do you know, that to this day, I hate Il-Ju.

So many thoughts went through my head. And it's like I watched myself and I couldn't do anything - like I was bound and gagged while watching something horrible unfold and I couldn't make myself avert my eyes.

I can't imagine the majority of people who do not have that type of consciousness and the self sabotage they do to themselves. And then they can't even help themselves. But I am different. I know what I've done and I can get myself back to where I was before Thanksgiving. Back to last May when I was losing weight on a regular basis, and THEN some!

Well, Scary Trainer is BACK.
I am BACK.
And all my work travel has been canceled for the foreseeable future. Yahoo!
The only thing I have to worry about is our trip to Palm Springs for vacation in February. But since I am traveling with Joseph, I am not worried about the working out. And since I am traveling with Joseph, I am worried about the food.

The good news is that Scary Trainer actually went to INDIA for a couple of weeks. And he went to his girlfriend's mother's house for Thanksgiving. And you wanna talk about FOOD ISSUES? Yeah. He had some. HAH! The only thing I said to him was, "NOW you know how I feel and how hard it is for me when I travel! Bwahhhhahahahahahah!" He totally got it. Now.

Anyway, I had my first Torture with Scary Trainer (TWiST). And everything hurts. He was proud of what I tried to on my own though so I was very happy about that.

And he also sent me a diet. Last Monday, I had a session. As I was walking out the door, I told him not to forget to send me the eating plan. I got home, and there it was in my email. Uh.... makes me feel like it was pre-meditated, which he confirmed that it was. Hmmm.

It's a 12-week diet.
The first four weeks, I am at 1800 calories.
The second four weeks is 1700 calories.
The third four weeks is 1600 calories.
I asked for a cheat day but Scary Trainer's idea of a cheat day is being able to eat up to 200g of carbs on my long run day. Uh.... not exactly what I had in mind...

So while he was gone, I've been talking to people, reading success stories and to the last person, some common things arose:
  1. You have to count calories and journal your food. You can't get away from it. This includes calories, fats, carbs, protein.
  2. Eat 5-6 small meals a day
  3. Watch everything they put into their mouths
  4. think "Do I want that in my body?"
  5. Allow themselves a single cheat day every week or two weeks
  6. Don't beat themselves up over a small mishap.
  7. About half of them DRINK NO ALCOHOL... Hmmm.... Not sure about this one.
They all said "it's all about the diet."
You can run, lift, do whatever you want but if the diet component is missing, they will either not do well in their chosen sport OR they stay fat.
This was very eye opening for me.

I don't have an issue with not eating pizza etc.
It's when I DO eat, I eat too much at one sitting.
Portion control is a HUGE problem for me.
Scary Trainer is going to have his hands full figuring this one out for for me when we get close to my goal.
But all of this proves the point that this is a life-long thing.
You have to find a sustainable way to reach your goal and stay there and maintain it. FOREVER.
Or you will have to reconcile yourself and give up losing a few extra pounds so you can stay sane on the intake side. It's all about choices and what you can live with. But like the age old rule, You can't have everything. You can't have your cake and eat it too!

Once I am at my goal, we are going to have to wean me off the diet slowly and in a manner that is helps me deal with the portion control. Maybe the key is to not go off the diet but deal with cheat meals or social situations differently.
Like only order a salad and fish, eat only half or whatever.

I love that one quote where the guy interviewed said, "Do I really want that inside of me?"
That resonates with me and it is now my new mantra.

It's been ONE DAY and I am down almost 3 pounds.
Read that again.
Three. Pounds.
Yeah. That's what I'm talking 'bout.

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    2 Comments:

    Blogger Paul Nichols said...

    I gained 2/10 pound. I was down in the dumps for several hours.

    I heard a good quote. Maybe you have, too: "If it doesn't grow in the earth, or if it doesn't have a mother, don't feed it to your kids!"

    10:13 PM  
    Blogger rocketpants said...

    It takes time to get one's head around how to think about food. Find what works and go with it. You can do it!! I know you can.

    10:52 PM  

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