Saturday, February 27, 2010

Oh and...

The bathroom is REALLY CLEAN and they have REALLY GOOD COFFEE!



And let me just say...

There are two wild little boys here.
I am so glad they are not mine.


BMW service

Brought my car in to get the coolant topped off.

They took the car, drove away and said they'd fill "everything."
I thought they'd just open the hood and pour in a bottle.
What was I thinking?

Now I'm in the waiting room.

And around a corner is a daycare-ish play area. And a mom and two toddlers are in there. And a service guy came over to her and talked to her went back to the pristine garage. And she's still in there playing with her kids. Waiting.

And in the adult seating area is carpet, plushy couches, and a GIANT PLASMA TV.

It's a bit shocking but ya know... I guess I shouldn't be surprised...


Thursday, February 25, 2010

One Goal for 2010

Stop being so hard on myself.
That's it.

My original goal was "Get my life in order." But that's been my mantra for a while and it hasn't been working.

So I'm now trying this new approach.
Stop being so hard on myself.
Forgive myself more for not being perfect.
Or not being there for everyone at every turn.
Stop trying to be something I'm not and embrace the person that I am.

I spent the last few months of 2009 trying to catch all the balls raining down on me. Some of these balls were thrown so high and hard that it took years for them to come back to me. I even forgot I had thrown them. And then there were balls I knew I had thrown, some just earlier in the year, and walked away, unconcerned, wondering when they would come back down.

Well, it's been raining balls for the last 4 months and I'm still running around trying to catch them, juggle them, mostly just getting hit to death because I can't keep up.

I am now my biggest project.

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Monday, February 22, 2010

Taking Back My Life

This isn't my blog anymore.
I don't know whose it is but I am taking it back.
It will be mine.
Away from the critiques, stares, judgmental refrain...

I have always kept a journal.
It was on paper until I discovered the typewriter.
Then I would go back to paper after a while - I liked the feeling of paper under my hand and the pen in my fingers.
The laborious nature of writing, actually writing, made whatever I wrote have more heft.

After collecting reams of pages, I would go through a cleansing.
It was a ritual.
Tearing the pages in half, then quarters.
Then lighting a match.
And watching all of that ignite and fly into the sky.
And all that I put down was just between me and God.

And so.. Along comes the weblog.
And I started to write things down.
And people found me.
They commented.
They bookmarked.
And the tenor of my postings changed.

I became a shadow of the writer that I was.
I used to be prolific.
And I covered all boundaries from laughter and hiliarity to utter depression and despair.

But then I started to censor myself.
Instead of writing what I thought, I substituted with gentler words or totally omitted entire sections of what I wanted to say.
And for me, those are the most revealing, the most therapeutic, and the most reflective of the complex individual that I am.

And I ended up disappearing.
I vanished.
I walked into the smoke and mirrors of catering to an audience and I stopped being me.

And now... I am taking my Journal back.
I am walking out of the veil that has shrouded who I am for so long.
And I am going to find myself.
I will have warts and pock marks.
I will have scars and bruises.
I will reveal my psyche which textbooks would probably show me to be a deranged and schizophrenic being.

But it is who I am.
I am complicated.
I know that.
I don't ask for forgiveness because I don't need it.
I don't expect anyone to understand because, frankly, I don't care.
I do not need your approval - I have no vanity.
Words will be harsh - and if it offends, then you can leave.
I will not apologize for the person that I am.

But I know there is beauty that comes out of the chaos that lies in my mind.
Because my being, who I am today, came out of that darkness and darkness of my life, whether real or imagined, it doesn't matter.
It just is.

So, I am taking up my search for The Truth, once again.
And that statement alone, gives me some relief.

I am taking back my blog, my life, and living as my own once more.



...and dejected.

In too many ways...


Sunday, February 14, 2010

I Give...

I am in pain and I don't know why.
My entire body.
From my hands that are swollen and can't close in the mornings when I wake up to my shoulders, to my knees, to my feet - one of which has PF.
Pretty miserable.

I think it's time to call the doctor.


Saturday, February 13, 2010

Happy Chinese Valentines New Year!

Ok. So we are sooo confused.

All week, all I heard from JJ is, "Happy New Year. Happy New Year."
Uh... yah. Right.

And it's been getting more frequent as we get closer to tomorrow.
I don't even know when it really is...

It really sucks having Chinese New Year and Valentines Day in the same weekend.
For me and Joseph, it's all about Valentines Day.
And this year, we have a little someone and he happens to be from China so, he is all about Chinese New Year.
Ok kid. Whatever...

Anyway, Joseph is cooking dinner. A special dinner. For me....
Happy happy.

We have had appetizers.
And to JJ, we are having the special dinner because it's Chinese New Year.
Too funny.

All I know is that there is some very lucky girl out there.
Whoever JJ marries is going to be a very lucky girl.
Because he is being trained by Joseph on what men do - cook, clean, make Mama happy... LOL.

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Friday, February 12, 2010

New Voicemail at Work

This is my new voicemail message. It covers every single occassion and I couldn't be more thrilled.
"Please do not leave me a message. If you need to get in touch with me, please send me an email. If this is an emergency, please call my Assistant at x-n-nnn-nnnn."
My prior email suggested that they email me for immediately response. And no one did. They would leave me messages. And since I am not in the office often, and when I am, since I hate retrieving messages (don't know why but it's something I hate doing), I would never call them back in a timely manner. And I got so sick and tired of feeling BAD because THEY didn't follow instructions! Ya know???

So. I got the following out of office message from Scott (who works in my group) and I was inspired:
"I am out of the office Friday February 12 thru Monday February 15. I will be returning to the work on Tuesday February 16. I will only occasionally be checking email. For urgent issues, please contact my manager."
Notice that he didn't name his manager.

Love. It.

Anyway, I am waiting to see how many voicemails I get (now that I've told them not to). And then I will delete them with wild abandon. YES!!

And I would like to note for the record that my Assistant hasn't gotten any calls either.