Monday, February 22, 2010

Taking Back My Life

This isn't my blog anymore.
I don't know whose it is but I am taking it back.
It will be mine.
Away from the critiques, stares, judgmental refrain...

I have always kept a journal.
It was on paper until I discovered the typewriter.
Then I would go back to paper after a while - I liked the feeling of paper under my hand and the pen in my fingers.
The laborious nature of writing, actually writing, made whatever I wrote have more heft.

After collecting reams of pages, I would go through a cleansing.
It was a ritual.
Tearing the pages in half, then quarters.
Then lighting a match.
And watching all of that ignite and fly into the sky.
And all that I put down was just between me and God.

And so.. Along comes the weblog.
And I started to write things down.
And people found me.
They commented.
They bookmarked.
And the tenor of my postings changed.

I became a shadow of the writer that I was.
I used to be prolific.
And I covered all boundaries from laughter and hiliarity to utter depression and despair.

But then I started to censor myself.
Instead of writing what I thought, I substituted with gentler words or totally omitted entire sections of what I wanted to say.
And for me, those are the most revealing, the most therapeutic, and the most reflective of the complex individual that I am.

And I ended up disappearing.
I vanished.
I walked into the smoke and mirrors of catering to an audience and I stopped being me.

And now... I am taking my Journal back.
I am walking out of the veil that has shrouded who I am for so long.
And I am going to find myself.
I will have warts and pock marks.
I will have scars and bruises.
I will reveal my psyche which textbooks would probably show me to be a deranged and schizophrenic being.

But it is who I am.
I am complicated.
I know that.
I don't ask for forgiveness because I don't need it.
I don't expect anyone to understand because, frankly, I don't care.
I do not need your approval - I have no vanity.
Words will be harsh - and if it offends, then you can leave.
I will not apologize for the person that I am.

But I know there is beauty that comes out of the chaos that lies in my mind.
Because my being, who I am today, came out of that darkness and darkness of my life, whether real or imagined, it doesn't matter.
It just is.

So, I am taking up my search for The Truth, once again.
And that statement alone, gives me some relief.

I am taking back my blog, my life, and living as my own once more.

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2 Comments:

Blogger sRod said...

Bravo.

4:21 PM  
Blogger Synthisizer said...

Go for it. I have found myself doing the same, censoring, bla bla bla etc... I might need another anonymous place to let the beast bust out the words.

5:21 AM  

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