Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Sometimes you just can't run away

I have spent my entire life running away from myself.
The only thing that I do well is work.
I was never that pretty, that tall, that athletic, that graceful.
I was never even really that smart.
I always fell short of being "the best."
Even from being "almost the best."
Not even "best of the good."

I continue to search myself and see myself in ways that other people can't. Not that they should try, not that they should care.
And I see the layers of complexity that other people can't. I suppose that's to be expected.
And I have known that I am a deeply fallible human being, something that I have tried to bury beneath a blanket of what I do well... which is to work.

And it seems that continues to be the truth.
When I try to be ready, I am rushing people
When I am slow, I am making everyone else wait.
If make a statement, my statement is probably doubtful.
If I don't make a statement, why didn't I speak up?
If someone forgets something, I should have reminded them.
That about describes me and the error of my being in a nutshell.

This feels like I felt when I was 12.
Outside looking in.
Afraid to say anything because I would be hit or ridiculed.
It was easier to live in the oppressive veil of silence because nothing I did was right.
Never make a statement, never given an opinion, never think out loud because whatever I said or did, the opposite was true.
It sucked to be reminded that I sucked as a human being.

But I could work.
And so that's what I did.
And I STILL can work.
And I guess that's what I'll keep doing.
Just work.
It's the one thing that reminds me that I can matter.