Friday, October 29, 2010

Holding Pattern

A huge part of our lives have been put on hold indefinitely until I can get my act together and deal with my anger, fear, and depression.

Today I got an email confirming the hold and when I read it, my heart fell into my stomach and I felt a little numb.

Where do I start? My first thought was to ignore it. But that would be giving into my fear. If not for me, this would never have happened. How did I impact or ruin the lives around me?

Or was this meant to be? Is my destiny with me now instead of being around the corner, next month, next year?

A good friend once told me that I am never in the present. That no matter what I achieve or success I have, I am always looking down the road and into the future. He asked me if I ever enjoy where I am. And I didn't know how to answer him. This took place more than 10 years ago. Maybe 12? And I remember it today as if happened yesterday. Funny how that is. And how sad.

Anyway, I am still struggling with the sadness from putting things on hold. I feel as if I have failed my family, myself and most of all, mei mei.

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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Grilled Cheese, Anyone??

I'm at Cheese Boy (grilled cheese take out restaurant) in South Station. There are about 40 people waiting to order and another 20 waiting to pick up! All for Grilled Cheese sandwiches!!

I'm waiting. It better be good.


Post Adoption Blues

I am reading a book.
"The Post Adoption Blues".
I should have read it in January.
Joseph tried to tell me.

"When the mother is in crisis, the family is in crisis."

I wish I had listened.
But it's never too late.

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Monday, October 25, 2010

Observation of the Day: Laughing

On my way home a woman in her mid-forties (best guess) sitting in front of me rooted around in her large back pack and rooted out about 6 or 7 pieces of gum and put them all in her mouth. At once.



Just Add Water and Stir

I am so damn depressed I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I left work sick. I am just wandering around, thinking that nothing really matters except for my family and my home and that everything is just a joke.

So I went home.
To have my breakdown.

I wish there was a pill I could take.
Some sort of magic powder.
Just add water and stir.


The First Step

The longest journey is the journey inward. And in the first year of my second half century of life, I'm taking the first step.

Writing this down is the same as shouting it aloud for me. I am a private person, never really sharing much. Those closest to me have shaped their own impressions of who I am. And I am happy to let them have their views no matter how close or how far they are from the truth.

What is the truth? I don't even know. I've changed who I was from moment to moment. The only thing that was ever present is a hunger and sadness, the desire to please, and the anger I carry with me, buried in the walls that I have spent a lifetime building. My angry walls.

And then I met Joseph who loved me unconditionally. And I knew a freedom I'd never had before. And I was afraid.

Life settles in and changes around you. It changes who you are. And with the arrival of JJ, I don't know who I am any more. I am a parent but I don't feel like it. I know I should parent but I don't know how. And I am a partner to a most generous man who is also doing some changing of his own as a result of all this. And how do I change with him? How do we change together?

I had a conversation with Joseph's sister this weekend. And she said that you have to learn how to be a couple all over again. And that you are changed forever. Most people have a slower transition by raising a child from birth. But for us, a wholly formed human suddenly arrived and you can't ever predict or know how that will change you or your existing relationship.

And so I'm managing the change. Finally. I'm looking in the mirror and the change must occur with me first.

I've taken the first step of my journey. There's no looking back. And I hope to be strengthened by it. That my parenting, my sense of self and my relationship with my Hunny Bunny is strengthened by it.


Sunday, October 24, 2010


I am afraid.
Will this be forever?
Will I forget the feeling that I've had before?
Were they real?
Or were they only a wish.
And a dream.
And now, they flit away when the dark descends.

Pretend I'm not here.
I'm sorry that I'm here.
I hate to disturb your space.
I don't mean to offend.
Pretend I am small.
And I take up no space.

I am afraid.
This fear makes me shrink.
I close my eyes and I breathe.
And I feel cold.


Let love hold you so close...

...That nothing comes between you...

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Saturday, October 23, 2010

In a sea of people

I feel so alone.


Thursday, October 21, 2010


Sometimes life just keeps pelting you with lemons. And it stings.

I am an imperfect being. I know this better than anyone. I am callous and thoughtless. I am forgetful and my path to hell has already been laid. All I need is that hand basket. But I don't deserve the ride in it.

If you are caught up in my wake, the fast track to nowhere, leaving a swath of bodies behind me... Then I ask your forgiveness. Because I really don't know what I am doing. And I guess that is the problem. How can I correct my course if I cannot see the horizon ahead of me. I just need to turn around to see the crooked path behind me.

And just as easily as a bad day can become good, so can a good day become another typical day of inconsideration and worthlessness. What did I do? What did I not do? How do I balance the good and the bad?

I was happy today. And at the end of it, I discovered that I had made some errors in judgment and more missteps. I basically sucked at life once again. Why bother trying when in the end, every situation can turn against you. I guess "trying and sucking at it" is a trifle better than just giving up? I don't know.


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Random Thought: Church

I think I need to find one.
A church to go to.
Been thinking about it.
May be a passing thing.
Or not.
But my spirit feels hungry.
And I think I need to feed it.

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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Sounds of Silence

Moments of quiet.
Snippets of solitude.
In an empty room.
In a crowd.
I grab at the fringes of my self-imposed solitary confinement.
Alone in my soliloquy of thoughts.
It despairs and rejuvenates me.
Yin and yang.
Shadows of light and dark.

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Monday, October 18, 2010

Letting Go and Letting Loose

I had a great time at the bachelorette party last weekend. What started with dread ended with a breath of fresh air. It was a revelatory evening for me.

When I first started out for the evening, I really didn't want to go or be there. The feeling I had can best be described as a tight corset around me middle, making it hard to breathe. As I walked to the Melting Pot, I plotted out my early exit, blaming my jetlag, of course.

During dinner, I started to open up. And ended up having a great time. Germaine really helped me with that. She is funny and nice and so GENUINE! I have a feeling we have a lot more in common than meets the eye. And since she is blond blue-eyed and considerably smaller than me, there is not a lot of "common" that meets the eye!

Karaoke was a blast. I even sang a few duets with Katie and Brad! And we all sat on the couch and sang together. The walls started coming down and I let myself go a little.

At Gypsy, I spent the better part of the evening dancing. When we first got there, someone handed me a shot of something. It was lightly sweet and fruity tasting. Just one shot with water the rest of the night. But the walls had come down, and I was having a great time. I danced and danced and I felt completely free.

I haven't felt that kind of freedom in a long time. I danced and sang with wild abandon. I know I surprised a few people. Jenn had confidence in the person I was underneath and was insistent in drawing me out. I realized that I was so constricted that I wasn't the person that even I know that I am. I was aging myself. Burying myself in my own depression, and under the weight of the world I put on myself.

Instead of fully living life, and FEELING life, it's as if I only I watched it unfold through a peep hole. And the FEELING felt good. But the Self-Restraint hovered around the fringes of my mind.

How much time have I wasted?
It will be a lot of work and "feeling" can be scary.
But, no more.


Sunday, October 17, 2010

My First Bachelorette Party

Last night I went to my first bachelorette party ever. Every woman I've told this to recently was shocked about this fact. I never knew that it was so de riguer to go to these things. I remember seeing them so many times over the year, with large hoards dressed in funny hats, face paints, childish costumes with veils and hats and invariably a shirt or a sign that said "bride." I vowed that I was never participating in such a scene. And I was successful until last night.

The good news was that this was a group of 9 older professional women. We even had two doctors in the group, one of which was on call, and a gay man named Brad! LOL.

Recovering from jet lag, I had no desire to go to this thing. I mean, it started at 5:30PM - prime drowsiness hour!! And God only knew when it would end! So while Joseph went off to the Bachelor party, I slowly made my way to the Melting Pot where we would all meet for dinner.

I got to the Melting Pot 10 minutes late and sat down. I heard a voice and looked up to see Germaine. We waited about 10 minutes before the rest of the party to arrived.

I sat on the end with Germaine, Kara (who I already knew pretty well) toward my left and Jenn to my right. Across from Jenn were Kristie and Brad. The other end had Leslie (who none of us knew that well), Katie and then Stacy. Turned out Emily was meeting us at the next venue.

Dinner was good. Germaine and I agreed that fondue was too much work. And we both like anything sauvignon blanc from Marlborough region in New Zealand. And we shared three bottles of wine at our end of the table. I was really nice getting to know Germaine, who I've always really liked but didn't really know too well.

Kristie is someone I only met recently through Joseph who met her through Jenn. Nice girl but there is a hard edge about her. Half the time was spent talking about a guy named Mark from Australia who is coming in for the wedding. Mark is "marked" for Kristie. And evidently they've been emailing and getting to know each other! After the night was over, I still didn't know her that well. Actually she was the only one that I didn't get a good sense of.

Brad is amazing. The women were all over him. But that's easy to do with a guy that's "one of the girls.". There is no commitment and no pressure.

After dinner we went to Limelight and had our own Karaoke room. Brad ran the operations and sang. He knew so many songs - even the rap ones. And rap is hard!

After limelight, we were supposed to go to the Good Times for dancing. Instead, we ended up a block away at Gypsy. When we got there, we were one of the first ones. We all got on the floor and danced together. Brad, of course, was in the middle. As the crowd built, there were a lot of single guys standing around and looking on. I know that Brad was the envy of all the men, dancing with a bevy of the fittest and athletic women in the whole place! It was quite a show!

Afterwards, we went to Kings where the men were. Emily decided to stay and dance while Germaine had called it an early night because of early morning calls at the hospital. And Leslie went home after Karaoke since she was on call.

Joseph had gone home already since he was running a marathon in the morning. It had an 8am start and he was looking at an hour drive to get there!

Before I left, I spent a brief moment talking to Jason, Brian and Jay. Jay is Germaine's boyfriend and I was glad to talk to him. He is such a nice guy and I got to know him a little better.

I came home and I could hear Joseph fast asleep. He sounded exhausted. I am glad to say that I tiptoed around without waking him.


Saturday, October 16, 2010

My Friend John

I had a friend named John.
I met him when we were 12.
When we were 16, we both started working at the local Dairy Queen. He cooked. I dealt with the customers.

He was a nice guy. So sweet. Quiet. Contemplative. Different from the others in a world of elite children going to an elite school from families of doctors and lawyers. He didn't hang out. He just was whoever he was and he was kind. Always kind.

And most important he was nice to me.
When almost no one else really was.

And now he is dead.
He took his own life a week ago.
A wife and three small children survive him with a host of other people who loved him.

Rest in peace, John.
I hope you found safety from the demons you faced.
And I hope you can help us chase our own demons away.

Rest in peace.

It's time to be human

I saw my Daddy last night. He came to me at my most vulnerable moment. Falling down from sheer exhaustion, delirious from lack of sleep, and on the verge of hallucinations. I think that's when the Native Americans saw their visions.

Anyway, I put my head on my pillow and my Daddy whispered in my ear.

"It's time to be fully human."

And I saw Joseph and my Daddy meeting in Joseph's dream so many years ago. A wordless greeting and exchange. A smile and a nod. The picture faded and my family appeared. JJ, Joseph and me playing a game on the floor of our green living room, laughing and hugging and arguing about who's winning. Of course, JJ insisting he is winning and changing all the rules. :o)

And my Daddy said "It's time to be fully human."

It reminds me of something Jesus said to Zacchaeus in Rev 3:20:
“Look, I am standing at the door, knocking. If one of you hears me calling and opens the door, I will come in to share a meal at that person’s side.”
It is time to open the door of my heart because my family is knocking. They will not force their way in. I must invite them in and let them nestle there forever.

And so the inward journey has started. With the full approval and a slap from my Daddy, reaching from the ashes of his bones hidden in a box somewhere telling me it's time to grow up and be what was foretold. And live the dream that I have built. That Joseph and I have built.

In my 51st year, I will be reborn and become a fully human.

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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Good things can happen

In a world where there is often so little to celebrate, good things can happen.

This just in:
Breaking News Alert
The New York Times
Wed, October 13, 2010 -- 8:56 PM ET

Rescuers Pull All 33 Miners to Safety in Chile

Two months, nine days and eight hours after their excruciating ordeal began, the last of the 33 miners trapped in an apartment-sized hole a half mile under Chile was delivered safely to the earth's surface, capping one of the most dramatic survival stories in mining history.

With the entire nation rapt and much of the world riveted, the last miner, Luis Urzua, rose smoothly out of the small hole in the ground, prompting an eruption of applause and cheers that seemed just as heartfelt as the outpouring that followed the emergence of the first miner nearly a day earlier.

Friday, October 22, 2010


There will be a new dawn.


Time to start over again

Blogging. Need to start back up. Writing has always been a form of therapy for me. I did it when I was younger. I made up stories and turned my miserable life into fairy tales. And in 9th grade, the fruit of my pain and depression actually won an award. Go figure.

Working out. Been a while. About three weeks. The PF is still hovering around the edges so I am extra vigilant. And it's too cold for me to get back to biking outdoors. It's too bad because I was just getting started when I left for India. And Jenn and Andy are still living with us so the exercise room will be off limits for another month I think. There are always a lot of excuses to be found. Tonight I have Scary Trainer so that will give me a good jump start.

Eating less. This is the second time I've gone to India and come back 2 pounds less than when I left. Last time, instead of keeping it off, I gained it back and added another five pounds.

Renewal. The longest journey is the journey inward. I'm starting my search for inward renewal. Having JJ here has open up old wounds which I have buried inside the angry walls of my subconscious. Instead of turning my back on those walls and denying their existence, it's time to face them, and take them down brick by brick. Find out what fuels my anger before it destroys everything I have.

And so, it is time to make amends, repent for my sins, ask forgiveness from those I love and treasure the most and who I have hurt the most.

It is a new beginning.
But I hope it's not too late. This is my biggest fear of all. What shreds and vestiges of hope I can find, I will cling to.


Riding the Train

It's been so long since I've taken the T. And for two days now, I've taken the T in and out of the city.

I can't believe I'm going to say this but I've missed it.
The crowds surround me.
It is a time that gives me pause and makes me slow down.
No matter how late or in a hurry you are, it will only go ask fast as it will go. No more and no less.

When I took a mediation workshop once, many many years ago... too many for me to remember exactly how many it was... the leader was late. Turned out he was on the T. And he related how annoyed and agitated he was getting until he realized, there's nothing you can do to go faster.

Accepting a circumstance is something that is in the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. "

I think I need that on my wall.
In my office.
In my bedroom.
How about the bathroom?
Heck, I might as well plaster it all over the shower, too, while I'm at it.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. "
Ok. On second thought, that might be a tall order.
How about if God grants me Serenity itself to start with?
That might be easier for Him.

80 to 50

I think it's time to get out the scarves and gloves.

I went from 70 degrees here to 80 degrees in Bangalore for two weeks and I came back to 50 degrees.

I think it's time to go to Texas.
I hear it's warmer there.


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Question of the Day

WHY would you wear a scarf, jacket, a hoodie and a sweater on top. And flip flops on your feet?