Monday, October 25, 2010

The First Step

The longest journey is the journey inward. And in the first year of my second half century of life, I'm taking the first step.

Writing this down is the same as shouting it aloud for me. I am a private person, never really sharing much. Those closest to me have shaped their own impressions of who I am. And I am happy to let them have their views no matter how close or how far they are from the truth.

What is the truth? I don't even know. I've changed who I was from moment to moment. The only thing that was ever present is a hunger and sadness, the desire to please, and the anger I carry with me, buried in the walls that I have spent a lifetime building. My angry walls.

And then I met Joseph who loved me unconditionally. And I knew a freedom I'd never had before. And I was afraid.

Life settles in and changes around you. It changes who you are. And with the arrival of JJ, I don't know who I am any more. I am a parent but I don't feel like it. I know I should parent but I don't know how. And I am a partner to a most generous man who is also doing some changing of his own as a result of all this. And how do I change with him? How do we change together?

I had a conversation with Joseph's sister this weekend. And she said that you have to learn how to be a couple all over again. And that you are changed forever. Most people have a slower transition by raising a child from birth. But for us, a wholly formed human suddenly arrived and you can't ever predict or know how that will change you or your existing relationship.

And so I'm managing the change. Finally. I'm looking in the mirror and the change must occur with me first.

I've taken the first step of my journey. There's no looking back. And I hope to be strengthened by it. That my parenting, my sense of self and my relationship with my Hunny Bunny is strengthened by it.

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