Friday, October 29, 2010

Holding Pattern

A huge part of our lives have been put on hold indefinitely until I can get my act together and deal with my anger, fear, and depression.

Today I got an email confirming the hold and when I read it, my heart fell into my stomach and I felt a little numb.

Where do I start? My first thought was to ignore it. But that would be giving into my fear. If not for me, this would never have happened. How did I impact or ruin the lives around me?

Or was this meant to be? Is my destiny with me now instead of being around the corner, next month, next year?

A good friend once told me that I am never in the present. That no matter what I achieve or success I have, I am always looking down the road and into the future. He asked me if I ever enjoy where I am. And I didn't know how to answer him. This took place more than 10 years ago. Maybe 12? And I remember it today as if happened yesterday. Funny how that is. And how sad.

Anyway, I am still struggling with the sadness from putting things on hold. I feel as if I have failed my family, myself and most of all, mei mei.

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