Monday, October 18, 2010

Letting Go and Letting Loose

I had a great time at the bachelorette party last weekend. What started with dread ended with a breath of fresh air. It was a revelatory evening for me.

When I first started out for the evening, I really didn't want to go or be there. The feeling I had can best be described as a tight corset around me middle, making it hard to breathe. As I walked to the Melting Pot, I plotted out my early exit, blaming my jetlag, of course.

During dinner, I started to open up. And ended up having a great time. Germaine really helped me with that. She is funny and nice and so GENUINE! I have a feeling we have a lot more in common than meets the eye. And since she is blond blue-eyed and considerably smaller than me, there is not a lot of "common" that meets the eye!

Karaoke was a blast. I even sang a few duets with Katie and Brad! And we all sat on the couch and sang together. The walls started coming down and I let myself go a little.

At Gypsy, I spent the better part of the evening dancing. When we first got there, someone handed me a shot of something. It was lightly sweet and fruity tasting. Just one shot with water the rest of the night. But the walls had come down, and I was having a great time. I danced and danced and I felt completely free.

I haven't felt that kind of freedom in a long time. I danced and sang with wild abandon. I know I surprised a few people. Jenn had confidence in the person I was underneath and was insistent in drawing me out. I realized that I was so constricted that I wasn't the person that even I know that I am. I was aging myself. Burying myself in my own depression, and under the weight of the world I put on myself.

Instead of fully living life, and FEELING life, it's as if I only I watched it unfold through a peep hole. And the FEELING felt good. But the Self-Restraint hovered around the fringes of my mind.

How much time have I wasted?
It will be a lot of work and "feeling" can be scary.
But, no more.

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