Life Lessons Learned While Running

Obama in China? And other sights...

2011-11-13T00:50:00.008-05:00

Had the best time with Lilly today.
She truly is my sister.
We went shopping today.
And sat in a restaurant and chatted when we chatted and enjoyed the silence.
I made editorial observations to myself about people I saw and she let me.

We went to a section near the hotel where the locals shop.
We got some great bargains and buys.

Around the corner, we were greeted with this:

It's a different take on Obama. Maybe the Chinese have it right.

We also stopped at a leather carver's booth. I bought 5 or 6 of his work. All made of stiff cow hide that is translucent. I got the two gatekeepers, Confucious, the Phoenix, and the red faced man. I will need to get them framed for the house. Wish I had taken pictures of those.

I also bought a bag since I haven't been able to buy a black bag at home. This one is perfect. About the size of my orange Prada, zip top, and light weight leather. Good for winter.

And around the corner and into a square, we saw an entire section devoted just to chopstick.

Some of the chopsticks were works of art.
And the carvers were right there making them:

And a close up of the carvings:

And a whole row of them that doesn't begin to do justice to the array that they had:

We took a break and stopped into a restaurant.
A shot of the small pot of hot and sour soup I had. It was truly hot and sour. Not filled with soy sauce. It was so good. I asked them to put in some rice vermicelli.

And the best pea tendrils in the world!

We walked around and ducked into a few more stores. I bought a pair of glass tea bottles with built in infusers. Glass is better than the hard plastic bottle that I have. And I also bought some wonderful Jasmine Tea. They gave me a free container to put it all into.

Afterwards, we went to yet another market. Small stalls and some good bargains. I got a pair of shoes for JJ. And a pair for me, since I wasn't sure that I was going to get the suitcase tonight. They had assured me I would get it but they did that yesterday and it never showed. So...

I also bought a beautiful hard sided orange suitcase. I bargained them down to about 48$. And I have a coat being tailored for about $50. And some little metal people that will sit on the kitchen window sill in the new house. Lots of bargains!

We got back to the hotel and was told my suitcase was on the way!
Yahoo!

Yeah!

SO HAPPY!!

And it arrived.
With everything in it.
A bit squished and a bit worn out but still there.
My beautiful wonderful suitcase.
The hotel sent someone to the airport to pick up the suitcase for me and delivered it to my room.
Crazy good service at this place.

Tomorrow I am leaving for Beijing.
And have packed for about 5 days.
I will leave the rest of the stuff with the hotel for my return on Friday.
I love this hotel.
The good news is that I have all the supplements I need to ward off further pollution here in China.
Especially Beijing.

Replenishing Supplies

2011-11-12T19:45:00.002-05:00

Ok. Had to go shopping to replenish the stuff I need that is in the Unarrived Suitcase.

Cleanser
toner
lotion
suncreen
makeup
eyeshadow
lipstick
foundation
mascara

I thought I bought blush but I couldn't find it this morning.
They either didn't give it to me even though I paid for it or they didn't give it to me and I didn't pay for it.
Sigh...
Not sure I want to go back there and argue with them about it.
This being China and all.

And of course they have never heard of trial sizes so I had to buy full sizes of everything.

2 bras.
2 underwears.

I think it cost arouns $600 USD.
Oh.
Socks.
I also got socks.

Since this is a business trip I can expense it all.
I know my boss probably won't say anything about it but what will he be thinking??
He won't even know that the stuff I usually use is much more expensive and I went the cheaper route of what is in my Acceptable to Put on My Skin list.

The bars and underwear were on sale.
I suppose I could point that.
As it is the guy in India who reviews all this will probably get a shock when he reads "Undergarments" on my expense report to beging with.

The Fishing Place

2011-11-12T18:54:00.005-05:00

This is the Fishing Place. I have no idea where it is or what it's called. But I do know you go here for crabs, which are currently in season, and it's about a 2 1/2 hour drive outside of Shanghai, on a moderate traffic day with only about 6 car accidents on the way. Yes. Six. It was a light day, I suppose.

We parked the car, walked up a cobbled path, took a right, and came upon this...

A bridge.

It lay there between me and the crabs.
Mostly importantly, between me and lunch.
And the bathroom.
Sigh...

I am sure it was much shorter than I imagined it to be, as I tiptoed across the length of what seemed like an interminable distance.

When we got there, we were shown to our table.
In our very own little room.

I wondered about this because we passed a buncharooms like this one before we got to ours.

And it had it's very own private bathroom.

Shortly thereafter, the food and the drinks came.

Plate after plate.
Some kind of root that you crack open and inside is a water-chestnut and taro mix textured and flavored meat. It was wonderful. Can't get it in the US though.

And edamame, and a cold goat meat plate (yes, I tried it), and fish (which was literally AMAZING), and eel (tried it, the sauce was great but I was put off by the fact that it was literally an eel that had been chopped into 1 to 2 inch long pieces), a tortoise (I kept calling it a turtle and they kept correcting me... uh... ok... Again the sauce was great but I was a bit put off by the piece of shell and the gelatinous casing of the underbody - it is a very boney creature though), and lettuce stem (YUMMY), and fresh sauteed lettuce (YUMMY) and fresh shrimp in shell (so soft and sweet and tender that I just pulled off the heads and popped the rest in my mouth, shells and all), and a fish soup with freshly made tofu (which was not made using the Nigari chemical but salt water solution which is, once again, illegal in the US - and thus heavenly delicious).

And then the crabs.

These were not your Maryland blue crabs for sure. They are farmed right here at the Fishing Place.

The shells were so tender and easy to crack.
The meat was so fresh and so sweet!
You didn't need any sauces to accompany the meat because it was that sweet and flavorful.

The owner came in and I asked what the name of the place was.
He said he just called it his Fishing Place.
He used to come here to fish - his fishing place - and then decided to farm crabs and put up a restaurant.
So I couldn't even tell you how to get there or where it was.
Really.
The best things in life are like that.
You happen upon them and serendipty.
Kismet.

We left full.
Another 2 1/2 hour drive back.
But not before one last view outside our room at the Fishing Place.

100 Things About Me #8: I live in my head

2011-11-12T18:13:00.001-05:00

It's been a while.
I don't really remember what I wrote before.
But since I am on the path to self-re-discovery, this is a good time to reaffirm for myself all the things that I am.

My therapist told me that I live in my head.
That I have high intellect.
I knew I was smart, but high intellect?
I never thought of myself in those words.

As a result, I can withdraw from the world.
Taking things into my head and processing them there, away from the opinions and views of the people around me, allowing me to keep my own counsel.

I mull things over and rationalize.
I tend to thinks things through before coming to a conclusion.
And sometimes that can take years.
But once my mind is made up, it's done.
I figure I am entitled to my conclusions since I've worked on them for so long.

Miracle Toilet

2011-11-12T17:45:00.002-05:00

This is the Miracle Toilet in my room. The longer I stay here, I discover more miraculous feats that this toilet performs.

First, let me say that the tile floors in the bathroom, the tub/shower area, and the toilet area are warmed with radiant heat.

If you approach the area of the toilet, a little light in just that area goes on automagically. So as not to wake whoever is in the bed or you from your bleary eyed zombie state as you go pee or potty in the middle of the night. No fumling around in the dark for a blaring light switch.

Then you life the toilet lid and it sort of comes to life with a low and comforting humming sound.

As you sit, the seat is heated. It's sort of like seat warmers in your car if you get the winter package. Or heated steering wheels.

It has a bidet function with an air dry option afterwards. You can move it from focused to gentle. And from the front to the back.

You then get up and walk away if you want to.
But it flushes itself and it closes the lid for you.

Really.
This is the convenience and laziness taken to new heights.

Really.

The Unarrived

2011-11-12T10:41:00.002-05:00

The second bag still has not arrived.
It was supposed to be put on a plane in Detroit so that it would arrive here tonight around dinner.
But somehow the luggage mixed the flight.
Hmmm...
I guess it forgot to walk over to the right gate.
Or maybe it was getting a dinner to go.

I mean...
COME ONE PEOPLE!
You had a WHOLE DAY to figure it out!!!

Ok.
Deep breath.

So.
I have been assured by Delta Airlines that it will make the plane tomorrow (as in the next one) and arrive tomorrow night at dinner on DL 181.

My trust in Delta is to great that I have asked the hotel concierge to send someone to pick it up.

In the meantime, I went shopping for makeup, skin care, hair spray, underwear, bras and socks.
And I am going to expense it.
Wait til they find out that this is going to cost them about $700 USD.
Really.
I do not use cheap skincare or makeup.
Underwear is something I might pick up a six pack of on the cheap, but skincare?
Never.

Closing Down the House

2011-11-12T06:33:00.002-05:00

This is the scene from across the room last night when we were the last customers in the Thai restaurant. They were all staring at us and then someone came by and asked us to leave.

It was pretty funny.
We knew what we were doing.
And I was curious as to what would happen.

This would never happen in the US.
At least not the places that I frequent.

Another observation is that China still charges for napkins and tissue that post as napkins. I am glad we brought out own!

Arrived in Shanghai Minus One

2011-11-11T19:43:00.003-05:00

I packed two bags.
Only one arrived.
Usually my bags appear within the first five to ten minutes, mostly due to the PRIORITY sticker that they usually get tagged with.
The first bag appeared just in time - within the first five minutes.
But after the 10 minute mark, I got that sinking feeling.
Sigh...

Forms to fill out.
People to talk to.
Blah blah blah...
Nothing.

ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok. Deep breath.
It could be a lot worse.
It had shoes, toiletries, gifts, SHOES!!! WAH!!
The bag that made it had clothes.
Like I said it could be worse.
I knew the connection at Detroit was too short.
And I wasn't the only one with the problem.

Made it through customs.
Lilly met me.
SO GOOD TO SEE HER!
My little sister.
The driver took the bags.
We talked the whole way back to the hotel.

I am staying at the Langham Xintiandi.
Supposed to be the best in Shanghai.
Pretty amazing.
I have to take pictures.

We went to a local restaurant for a late dinner.
Lilly's friend Xin met us.
We ordered a bottle of wine and lots of wonderful Thai food.
So much better than in the US.
Except for the wine.
The wine was questionable.
LOL!

I got a little sleep on the plane on the wonderful "bed" so I wasn't as jetlagged as I could be and I got about 5 hours sleep last night. This morning I feel pretty good.

Off to breakfast and sightseeing.
Oh. It's 13 hours ahead right now.

11/12/2011 - 8:43AM

Business Class to Shanghai

2011-11-10T15:03:00.002-05:00

When I got seat 3A for the 15 hour flight to Shangai, I was bummed out until I got on the plane.

Instead of two seats, there was only one. Two seats in the middle and one seat on the other side.

Every seat is private like this.
Config is a bit weird but I don't have to crawl over anyone in the middle of the night.

2011-11-09T14:22:00.003-05:00

Test drove a mini cooper today.
Actually, I took the BMW in for new brakes and rear light bulb and they gave me a mini as a loaner.

It's quite peppy.
I was surprised!
I wouldn't mind having one but not to replace the BMW.
And not to replace the Miata.
I would like a Z4 to replace the Miata.

If I got a Mini, I would just add to the car collection.
And park it next to the Smart Car that I want.

Which means I need more parking spaces.
Which then means that I need to buy a new house with a larger parking area.
And I can't really do that right now.
I mean, I haven't even moved into the new place yet.

Appraisal

2011-11-09T14:20:00.002-05:00

Is done.
I hope to get the condo refi'd before the end of the year.
I didn't know it would take this long.
If I had, I would have started sooner.

At least I'm getting a good rate!

2011-10-29T22:15:00.002-04:00

So much has happened that I don't know where to start. So I will start in the middle. Right now. Right where I am. No looking back. No looking forward. No what if's, no what might have beens but just now. Here and now.

I need to start running again.
I've gained weight.
So much changes and nothing changes.
And just when I start thinking about tackling that run around the block, we get a nor'easter.
Like I said.

Tomorrow I shovel.
That counts as a workout.
In fact, Scary Trainer told me so.

A lifetime

2011-09-18T10:59:00.003-04:00

I've been away for a while.
For what seems like a lifetime.
But it's only been about 6 months.
And in that time, I have lived a lifetime... or two.
I am thinking about coming back.
A general blog about my getting back to running.
Personal things are buried elsewhere.
But then, we are more than a single part...
or even a single blog.

I've spent the weekend in NYC connecting with some old friends.
How much I have missed them!
And their complete acceptance of my reappearance after an absence of 9 years, without judgment or recriminations, tells me that I am loved.
Very loved.
Something I never knew before.

Now I know who my friends are.
And who my family is.

Shingles and Nerves

2011-02-06T08:11:00.002-05:00

I have shingles.
Not the kind on the house.
I have the kind that sits in your nerve pathways and lays dormant until you have so much stress in your life and your immune system is so compromised.
Then it pops out.
I knew what it was when I first felt the aching.
I reached back and pressed and there was a burning sensation.
I thought, "Shit! Shingles. Sigh...."
And sure enough, 3 days later, the first blister appeared.

I am on Valtrex.
Third day and the blisters seem to be fading.
And it doesn't seem to be spreading - a good sign.

But then there is the pain.
The nerve pain which is a different kind of pain and can hang on for day, weeks, months and years - long after the blisters have disappeared.
It definitely gives new meaning to "getting on my nerves."
And if you think about all the things that got on your nerves to get to this point, it's really scary.
I guess it's better than a heart attack.

Shovel

2011-01-30T17:09:00.003-05:00

I finally broke down and bought myself a metal garden shovel. The kind with the pointed tip, serrated edging and long wooden handle. The kind that is perfect for break up ice.

Another storm is on the way.
And all day, I've heard the weather reporter say "go out and break up the ice now..." or "move the snow back because more is on the way."

First of all... move it where??
There is nowhere to move it after all the storms we've had.

But... I can break up the ice. Not that I have that much but enough at the end ot the driveway that accumulation could make it hard (or impossible) to make it out of our considerably narrowed driveway.

So I went to the True value down the street and around the corner looking for an ice breaker and walked out with my new garden shovel.

And it works amazingly well.

Fortune

2010-12-29T12:49:00.002-05:00

My fortune: Many people admire your social and physical appearance

JJ's fortune: Expect a change for the better in job or status in the future

At first I thought we should have switched cookies. Then I thought about it again and it thought it was a foretelling of his future.

I don't know.
But I found it interesting.

Forgiveness and Pain

2010-11-21T21:26:00.000-05:00

In the book I am reading called "the power of kindness" there is a section on Forgiveness as one of the 16 elements of kindness. There was an example of a victim of the Holocaust who thought that the ability to forgive was the most important human trait.

Last Friday, I met with Kristin. And we talked about forgiveness. I told her that for me, forgiveness is something that I don't have trouble with. No matter what is happening to me today, I don't have to forgive because there is nothing to forgive. Whatever is happening is happening and not forgiving doesn't make it stop.

I do not hold grudges. Because if I don't forgive, I cannot move forward. And moving forward is usually away from some sort of pain that I am feeling. And the inability to forgive, if you want to call it a "grudge," which I feel doesn't adequately describe what forgiveness really is, means that I am allowing someone else to control how I feel and allowing someone else to determine whether I move forward. And that means I am being held place, holding onto the whatever is happening, and as I am clinging to that suffering and pain, it is holding onto me harder and harder. It's a deep spiral and the deeper you go, the harder it is to get out. The inability to forgive feeds on itself.

I told her that I never really forget. Remembering something does not mean that I cannot forgive. Remembering provides me with the hope that I won't repeat the same mistakes. With anything, practice makes perfect. Mindfulness, remembering, and forgiving is something that allows me to live and you do it over and over and hopefully you get better at it.

There was a pause. She leaned over from the edge of her chair and she asked me when I discovered this about forgiving. I told her that I learned it in my 20's when all I did was suffer. And then I decided to forgive and the suffering went away. She said that people work their entire lives to understand what I am talking about. I thought this was rather funny. That I, of all people, discovered something in my 20's, that people spend their lives looking for.

Then we talked about Pain. I told her that I feel pain and I think I am suffering at some level. She said that suffering = pain x resistance.
The removal of resistance - the act of giving in or the act of forgiving
doesn't make you weak. The book I am reading also talks about this. It's that moment when you throw up your hands and say, "Ok. I give." That doesn't mean that you are giving up or giving in. It means that you are no longer resisting and trying to control something you have no control over, or trying to shape and outcome that you cannot shape. And in that moment, suffering diminishes. Yes, you still have to deal with the pain of whatever it is that you are doing or having to deal with, but it is just pain without the suffering. And you see more clearly what you have to do, what you can control, without distractions from the things that you have no control over.

This release from resistance means you recognize what you can change and what you cannot. So acceptance - like the serenity pray (God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change) means less resistance which means less suffering.

So, when you are left with just the raw pain, without judgement, without resistence, then you can acknowledge and deal with it. You don't have to suffer. Suffering and pain are two different things.

She said my ability to forgive means that I can deal with my pain. And I can do so without the cloud of suffering, without caving into outside forces that are trying to control me. It means that I can deal with my pain in a step by step focused mindfulness, and control only that which I can and ignore all the rest.

All the years of studying and contemplation, all the years of advising people in this similar way, has engrained themselves in my cells and I am actually trying to practice what I have spoken. I never thought that day would ever come. All those years of inward thought have converged to this point in my life.

I used to ask why I searched so much, why my spirit was so restless.
Now I know.

Note to Self: Gloves

2010-11-19T20:56:00.002-05:00

Always remember to wear gloves when walking the dog in 30 degree weather.

I will be focused

2010-11-17T12:06:00.001-05:00

Today, I will stay focused on the path in front of me. I will focus on one step. And when that is complete, I will focus on one step.

I Will Stay Strong

2010-11-15T12:25:00.002-05:00

No matter what assails me today, I will remain strong.

Mindfulness

2010-11-14T21:16:00.003-05:00

I have been reading a book called "The Power of Kindness." I picked it up on a whim at South Station during a Fire Drill in our building at work. Instead of hanging with the rest of the evacuees at a big post office parking lot, I walked the opposite way to South Station and ended up at the little book store. And the title caught my eye.

It is written by a transpersonal psychologist and examines the concept of kindness. That although it is simple, it is made up of a whole host of other concepts such as honesty, forgiveness, belonging and mindfulness. There are more but that is as far as I have read.

Mindfulness is a Buddhist concept. It is about being present. It is what the practice of meditation trains you to do, be in the here and now, without worrying about the past, worrying about the future, thinking of all the shoulda-coulda-woulda's, or what-if's, and the if-then-else statements that crowd our brains and bleeds into our hearts and souls on a daily basis. All of which then causes is to "not really live."

In my efforts to transform personally, I've been trying to practice mindfulness. And what is Mindfulness? This is an excerpt from the book explaining one of the Buddha's discourses:

"In what you see, let there be only the seeing.
In what you hear, let there be only the hearing."

Do you know how hard this is? Every sound, every sight brings to the forefront of our minds all of our preconceived notions which are based upon on our past experiences and future expectations, which are then are based upon those past experiences. As a result, we never really "live" in the present, we don't take in things as they ARE; instead, we conclude and divine our futures, what we believe they will be or should be based upon our past. and as a result, we are never in the present. We just live in our pasts and our make-believe futures. I know. It's hard. Brain twisters. But that is the point of meditative questions. To put your brain into such a tizzy that all it can do is become relaxed and release it's preconceived ideas.

I have been trying to do this for the last two weeks. It has been so hard and seemed impossible at the beginning. But I also discovered that no matter how much energy I used, it is hard to act and think based on what I do not know; I have found that it is easier to act based upon what DO I know. And what I know is based on what I feel. And what I feel is based on what I know of my surroundings. I cannot control my environment or those around me. But I can be aware NOW about my environment and those around me. And thus I can control how I feel and how I act within the environment that I know it to be. And forget controlling anyone else.

It is getting easier as time goes on but "easy" is relative. Sometimes, it was VERY hard. And I haven't even scratched the surface. But I have noticed some changes about myself. I no longer have road rage. Really. I am not cursing and yelling at every Tom Dick and Harry that cuts me off, stops short, doesn't use a blinker, drives too slow, etc. I am just accepting because I am HERE. And I cannot control it. But I can control how I feel and how I react.

I am noticing more. The other day I took the dog for a walk. And I walked by a house that I have walked by a hundred times. Ok. Maybe 50 times. But I have walked by it A Lot! And in front, along the fence is what I have nicknamed The Burning Bush. It has tiny little serrated-edge leaves that hang down. The tips and edges are crimson. And it is travels up the leaves and toward the stem, it goes from redish tinted, to orange, to gold to yellow. Every single leaf is almost identical. And I saw them in relief against the back drop of white fence and yellow house. It was amazing and one I will not forget soon.

I am also trying to "unplug." Instead of sitting with a computer on my lap or chatting with friends on my blackberry while at home, I am present. I am sitting and, for the first time, REALLY noticing other people in the room, how "plugged in" they are, and how partially present they can be.

As a result, I am also enjoying my time with JJ. Enjoying ALL of him. His presence within my presence. Because that is how children are. They are mindful, nothing beyond this moment. And that is JJ. When he tells me he loves me, I believe him because that is how he feels NOW. I am spending time seeing what he is seeing and I am amazed at his wonder of all the things around him. I am listening to all the things that he is saying and I am amazed at his intelligence, reasoning, and yes, sometimes he godawful stubborness. But that is who he is. And I am taking it all in.

I am also contemplating all the years in which I was not present for my Hunny Bunny or my friends. I am sad about this and I have started reaching out to a few. I see this as al-anon in a way, this path to regaining and transforming my sense of self. And the discovery of the person that has been buried under years of detritus, rubble from the battle of life.

Mindfulness is not easy, especially for someone like me, who has always been driven by the fears from her past, toward the promise of something better in the future. Not realizing that the better future is here. Now. TODAY.

Mindfulness is also exhausting. New sights and sounds assail my senses. And it cannot process them fast enough. It's as if I have a small basket and the world, the present, is throwing things at me. I am trying to catch them in my small basket but I am not fast enough to catch everything, and my basket is too small. And the processing.... what is this feeling that I feel? What is this pain? What is this melancholy for what I have been missing? But the yellows are yellower and the oranges are beyond vibrant. I am seeing things as they are. For the first time, I am seeing beauty and I can feel it in my heart instead of cataloging it in my brain.

How long can I keep this up? I think that question can be answered only after I have completed my journey. But the journey is never really complete, is it? In this moment, in this present, I think I can for a long time to come. For the skeptics out there, time will tell.

"6 Stages of Post-Partnum Depression"

2010-11-11T16:07:00.006-05:00

This is a repost of a blog from Postpartum Progress (Thank you Katherine Stone for commenting on my blog which is how I found your site). I have added my own comments in parenthesis after each one.

The Six Stages of Postpartum Depression:
Denial: This must be what new motherhood is like. I'll be alright. It can't be postpartum depression, because I'm not mentally ill. I'm sure it will wear off soon. I just need more sleep. (I feel really tired and depressed. I don't know why I am so fatigued. I think I just need to sleep more and I will be okay. It cannot possibly be the adoption. I think it's jet lag. I am supposed to be happy about this and finally getting a child. )
Anger: Nobody understands what I'm going through. Why me?! This is supposed to be a time of joy. I don't deserve this. I don't want to have to take medication. I don't want to go to therapy. I shouldn't have to call a doctor. This is not fair. (This really sucks. I hate this. I should never have started this and agreed to it. It's not my fault. And it's not fair. This is such a huge intrusion into my life. I never signed up for all the problems or medical issues. I didn't know how he would look. Or that I wouldn't be able to understand him. He is defective and what have I done? If someone had told me... WHY didn't they tell me?)
Bargaining: If I just exercise more and eat better I'll be fine. If I could just get to the point where the baby sleeps through the night, I'll be okay. If I get closer to God and pray more, this will surely go away. (I need to work more. I need to just immerse myself into my work. And it will all go away. I can just work late and Carrie can take care of JJ until I get home and he is will be asleep and I don't have to deal with it until I am used to this new thing.)
Depression: I should just leave my family. I'm bringing everyone down. They all would be better off without me. My poor baby doesn't deserve a mother like this. I'll never get better so there's no point in going on. (I should just leave. I can leave anytime I want. Maybe I will. Joseph will probably leave me anyway because I am such a lousy human being. And JJ would be better off without me. What can I offer him?)
Acceptance: What's happening to me isn't normal and I can't ignore it anymore. It's not my fault. It is okay for me to talk to a doctor. It's okay for me to ask for help. I can take medication or go to therapy or do whatever is necessary for my health and that of my family. (I am depressed. I think I have something - not sure. But I am angry and I need help. I have run Joseph's patience out. I am going to damage my son if I don't do something fast. I need to talk to someone, just like Joseph has been trying to tell me to do for the last 6 months. )

This has been the most cathartic experience I have ever been through. Never again will I judge any parent for whatever actions they may or may not take. It is hard to walk in their shoes because every expereince is different. And in almost every case, what seems to be is not what really is. That has been the most humbling lesson for me, especially when people point out some of the ills and wrong doings I committed during this dark and terrible period and all I want to say is, "yes, but..." And I know full well for those who have made up their minds, there is no excuse for the actions that come out of a depressive episode.

The most impact that this has had on me is the sense of fear and shame. Fear of everything. Shame for how I felt. And then denial because I judged myself to be unworthy and less than human. And that led to more shame. And more fear. And now I live in shame for what I lived through. And fear that when people find out, they will judge me, and I will become nothing more than the essence of the shame and fear.

Now, I am actually talking to people. Not a lot of people. Just a few close, trusted friends. And each one has told me that what happens in Post Partum depression is something so sacred, so "out of body" that it can't be held against me. It is not who I truly am. And that it is not my fault. This has last been the most difficult concept for me to deal with and rationalize. And I am still working on accepting this.

I am so humbled and awed by the people who have come out of the woodwork to support me. My boss. My HR person. Both recounting personal stories and personalizing my experience. I wept. And my friends, who I knew were always there but was too ashamed to speak with. I found out that between friends, there is no shame and no fear. There is nothing but love, acceptance, understanding, and guidance during recovery. To all of them, I am indebted. And I will owe them the rest of my life for being with me at my darkest and deepest point, for loving me when I was the ugliest human being on earth.

The road is long. I can't see the end of it yet.
And every step I take is scary and I am afraid of falling.
But I am doing it for myself, my son, my family, my friends.
And I will succeed.

Call to Prayer

2010-11-10T08:31:00.003-05:00

These days, I have set my Blackberry alarm on. It had been set to a loud wailing old fashioned telephone sound. But this morning, I changed the daily alarm to Chi Gong.

It's a prayer bell. Or at least it sounds like one. I remember hearing it in Korea at one of the big Buddhist monasteries. The bell rang. And the monks quietly filed into the prayer room, a very large room, in single, quiet line of gray robes.

It was a call to prayer.

So now I wake up with the sound of prayer bells. Every day I look for illumination. I try be live in the present - a walking, living meditation, living more deliberately than I have before. I would say that I may never have really done that before.

Trip Up North

2010-11-07T22:15:00.002-05:00

I went Up North this weekend. JJ was having an overnight with Niles so he was well taken care of.

I went for illumination, enlightenment, and an epiphany. And I received all three in abundance.

In times of crisis, I withdraw inward while others find blame all around them. Blame is never the answer. It means you must admit that you never had control in the first place. And our sense of control, real or imagined, gives us comfort to be who we are at any given moment.

So I withdraw inside of myself And the inward journey has begun. I must travel through the darkness to reach the light. There is anger, fear, and pain strewn before me and I must wade through it all.

And I am forging forward. I will come out the other side a self, a different "me". And my focus is my son. I see his face that guides me. And gives me strength.

What was once thought lost...

2010-11-07T22:09:00.002-05:00

...is found...

Lilly

2010-11-05T21:10:00.001-04:00

Lilly came to visit me.
And I wept.
And wept.
And wept.
She wants to take me away.
Wants me to come live with her.

Be sure to bring Boris.
Made me laugh.

Fridays with Kristin

2010-11-05T20:01:00.003-04:00

Today I had my weekly chat with Kristin. We talked about a bunchastuff but I told her about the bugs.

She asked me when I had this dream and when I said "on Monday, she asked if I had dreamt of things in the future before. I found that an odd question. But I said, "yes." And the I told her that I hate dreams.

She said that perhaps I am dreaming of things that have always been with me from my past, and I have carried them through life, and that they are just showing up during times of trauma, when we are at our most defenseless. And so we talked about it. And that it might not be something I was doing TO someone but since I was the one hurting, that maybe it was something that had happened to me. Perhaps my parents' marriage drained the heart and soul from me. I had never thought of it that way.

She said that I need to give myself permission and tell myself that I am worthy. Not just derive it from what anyone else tells me. But time to try and tell myself that I am lovable and good and kind and that it's okay to be fearful. And to give myself affirmations of loving kindness that tell me that I am ok. That I am worthy of loving kindness every single day.

Tomorrow

2010-11-05T19:53:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow I am going to see Amanda. Joseph and I talked about it and I will be spending the night. This is my first foray out into the world alone since, well, since I met Joseph. And since all of the latest life events started. I am a little frightened at the thought of the 2 hour drive alone.

Amanda is Joseph's twin. In almost every way. The giving, the patience and perseverence. The loving and the caring. And other things that I can't even think about right now.

She will be able to provide me wth things to think about, ways to see things from a different angle and outside of my current self-made box. She is my family as well as Joseph's. I joined them when I met Joseph and then Amanda 7 or 8 years ago.

Wow. Has it been that long?

It seems like yesterday.
Ok. That's a bit trite and very cliche.
I feel like it has only been a couple of years since I first met Joseph.
And I remember it like it was yesterday.

Those Damn Bugs Again

2010-11-05T06:37:00.005-04:00

One thing I didn't mention about the bugs. I thought they looked like ticks. But they were so big that I said there is now way they can be ticks.

Ticks represent something that is weighing on you, draining life or energy from you. And they were on my ring finger, which leads to my heart.

My heart, love symbolic, has been weighing on me.
And it could a few other things that I am not prepared to face at this point.

I hate dreams.

My First Motherly Moment

2010-11-04T12:14:00.004-04:00

Last Saturday, we ran a 5k Race. Joseph's mom and dad were visiting so we made it a family affair. We met some of the Tri-deads and BAA folks who Joseph ran with. My plan was to run with JJ.

We started out at the back of pack and it was clear in the first .25 mile that running together would be a mistake. I was clearly holding JJ back. He would run ahead a little bit ahead of me, look back, stop and wait for me.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't hold him back.
So I caught up with him and I said, "JJ, you run. Run ahead without Mama."
And helooked at me a little worried and said, "you?"
And I said, "you go run as fast you want to. Just stay with all of the running people. And I will see you when I get to the finish line."
He seemed a little worried but I said,"you can do this. Mama would be so proud."

And so he ran. I watched his form ahead of me. So free and so beautiful. And so soon out of sight. And I cried a small tear thinking about it.

My first motherly act.
Amazing.
Letting him go and watching him run ahead.
While worrying about him.
This came out of the blue.
And I thought of the future when I would have to release him to High School, to driving, first dance, first drink, to college, to his bride, and God willing that I should be alive, to his first child. I thought of all the firsts to come and felt a lump in my throat.

At the end, JJ won the 19yrs and under age group award for First Place.

I was so proud.

Bugs

2010-11-04T07:54:00.004-04:00

The other night I dreamt about bugs. There was a leaf like bug, a stick like bug and a group of 5 little round beetles all stuck together in a long row.

I remember picking them up and sticking them to my left hand. And then my sister (I think?) and I walked hurriedly to I have no idea where. I remember that there were a lot of people and a lot of commotion. And the building we arrived at looked like a school, with a blue metal door and side lights. Typical school doors, I think. And it was night.

And I remember sitting on the grass because of the bugs and I knelt down. The leaf bug and the stick bug fell off. I knew they had died or were dying. The group of five still hung on. Then 2 loosened and fell off. Then there were three. They were stuck to my ring finger, over the knuckles. And they kept tightening. And it started to hurt. So I told my sister that I had to get them off because it hurt. She said just leave it. But I insisted. I used an envelope to scrape the first one off. Then my sister handed me a thin plastic ruler, the kind I have in my office at home and wondered what I should do with them, and scraped the next one off. And then she handed me a new ruler and scraped the last one off.

My ring finger was red, dry, and patchy but I knew it would heal. My sister said "let go." And I got up and we ran off. I don't know to where because I woke up.

I looked up bugs. They are anxiety, worry, things that you are afraid of. There are different meanings behind distinct types of bugs but I couldn't find the leaf bug or the stick bug. I did find the beetle but it wasn't really. So I found scarabs and they weren't really that either. They were a combination. Sort of like black lady bugs but not really.

So I thought at first it was a centipede that turned into individual little bugs on close examination. And I read that centipedes mean that I am letting my fears and doubts hinder my from making progress and achieving my goals. This is interesting because Joseph said that I am afraid of everything and have to feel that I am perfect all of the time. There is definite truth to this. I need to stop thinking negative thoughts.

There was nothing for beetles but I found something about ticks which said that they mean that something, someone, my job or even myself is slowly draining the life out of me. But these things were bigger than ticks, almost the size of dimes.

So I went top Scarabs, and I found means that I have the ability to survive, adapt and change. And that I am on the right path. But these bugs were not the same as the scarabs, they were smaller, round, hard shelled, and had little skinny legs that poked out of the side. A type of indistinguishable beetle stuck together like a centipede one attached to another. Sort of like those black lady bugs (which we know symbolizes good luck). If you extrapolate that out, it’s about something draining me and my letting my fears run me but there is hope and good luck and the fact that I was able get rid of the bugs, which I put on myself willingly, and then forcefully ridding myself of them seems to be a good sign.

I also looked up the meaning of it being nighttime in the dream. And it stated that it can represent the unconscious side of the personality. And also symbolize ignorance and despair of the dark night of the soul. Psychologically the process of “becoming” requires us to sometimes enter the darkness before emerging into the light.

Hmmm. I guess that about says it all.

I am in the process of becoming. Shedding the old fears and anxieties that are slowly draining the life out of me. I willingly became fearful and angry, and now I am willingly shedding it all. It was dusk in the dream - night had just fallen so I know I will enter a darker period before I emerge into the light of being. This dream makes me feel stronger, gives me courage, and makes me want to cry with hope.

It is time for me to wake up and become truly human.

Holding Pattern

2010-10-29T11:58:00.004-04:00

A huge part of our lives have been put on hold indefinitely until I can get my act together and deal with my anger, fear, and depression.

Today I got an email confirming the hold and when I read it, my heart fell into my stomach and I felt a little numb.

Where do I start? My first thought was to ignore it. But that would be giving into my fear. If not for me, this would never have happened. How did I impact or ruin the lives around me?

Or was this meant to be? Is my destiny with me now instead of being around the corner, next month, next year?

A good friend once told me that I am never in the present. That no matter what I achieve or success I have, I am always looking down the road and into the future. He asked me if I ever enjoy where I am. And I didn't know how to answer him. This took place more than 10 years ago. Maybe 12? And I remember it today as if happened yesterday. Funny how that is. And how sad.

Anyway, I am still struggling with the sadness from putting things on hold. I feel as if I have failed my family, myself and most of all, mei mei.

Grilled Cheese, Anyone??

2010-10-26T12:31:00.003-04:00

I'm at Cheese Boy (grilled cheese take out restaurant) in South Station. There are about 40 people waiting to order and another 20 waiting to pick up! All for Grilled Cheese sandwiches!!

I'm waiting. It better be good.

Post Adoption Blues

2010-10-26T08:16:00.001-04:00

I am reading a book.
"The Post Adoption Blues".
I should have read it in January.
Joseph tried to tell me.

"When the mother is in crisis, the family is in crisis."

I wish I had listened.
But it's never too late.

Observation of the Day: Laughing

2010-10-25T16:06:00.001-04:00

On my way home a woman in her mid-forties (best guess) sitting in front of me rooted around in her large back pack and rooted out about 6 or 7 pieces of gum and put them all in her mouth. At once.

LOL.

Just Add Water and Stir

2010-10-25T15:42:00.003-04:00

I am so damn depressed I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I left work sick. I am just wandering around, thinking that nothing really matters except for my family and my home and that everything is just a joke.

So I went home.
To have my breakdown.

I wish there was a pill I could take.
Some sort of magic powder.
Just add water and stir.

The First Step

2010-10-25T10:07:00.004-04:00

The longest journey is the journey inward. And in the first year of my second half century of life, I'm taking the first step.

Writing this down is the same as shouting it aloud for me. I am a private person, never really sharing much. Those closest to me have shaped their own impressions of who I am. And I am happy to let them have their views no matter how close or how far they are from the truth.

What is the truth? I don't even know. I've changed who I was from moment to moment. The only thing that was ever present is a hunger and sadness, the desire to please, and the anger I carry with me, buried in the walls that I have spent a lifetime building. My angry walls.

And then I met Joseph who loved me unconditionally. And I knew a freedom I'd never had before. And I was afraid.

Life settles in and changes around you. It changes who you are. And with the arrival of JJ, I don't know who I am any more. I am a parent but I don't feel like it. I know I should parent but I don't know how. And I am a partner to a most generous man who is also doing some changing of his own as a result of all this. And how do I change with him? How do we change together?

I had a conversation with Joseph's sister this weekend. And she said that you have to learn how to be a couple all over again. And that you are changed forever. Most people have a slower transition by raising a child from birth. But for us, a wholly formed human suddenly arrived and you can't ever predict or know how that will change you or your existing relationship.

And so I'm managing the change. Finally. I'm looking in the mirror and the change must occur with me first.

I've taken the first step of my journey. There's no looking back. And I hope to be strengthened by it. That my parenting, my sense of self and my relationship with my Hunny Bunny is strengthened by it.

Fear

2010-10-24T21:22:00.004-04:00

I am afraid.
Will this be forever?
Will I forget the feeling that I've had before?
Were they real?
Or were they only a wish.
And a dream.
And now, they flit away when the dark descends.

Pretend I'm not here.
I'm sorry that I'm here.
I hate to disturb your space.
I don't mean to offend.
Pretend I am small.
And I take up no space.

I am afraid.
This fear makes me shrink.
I close my eyes and I breathe.
And I feel cold.

Let love hold you so close...

2010-10-24T21:16:00.003-04:00

...That nothing comes between you...

In a sea of people

2010-10-23T21:17:00.002-04:00

I feel so alone.

Stings

2010-10-21T21:35:00.002-04:00

Sometimes life just keeps pelting you with lemons. And it stings.

I am an imperfect being. I know this better than anyone. I am callous and thoughtless. I am forgetful and my path to hell has already been laid. All I need is that hand basket. But I don't deserve the ride in it.

If you are caught up in my wake, the fast track to nowhere, leaving a swath of bodies behind me... Then I ask your forgiveness. Because I really don't know what I am doing. And I guess that is the problem. How can I correct my course if I cannot see the horizon ahead of me. I just need to turn around to see the crooked path behind me.

And just as easily as a bad day can become good, so can a good day become another typical day of inconsideration and worthlessness. What did I do? What did I not do? How do I balance the good and the bad?

I was happy today. And at the end of it, I discovered that I had made some errors in judgment and more missteps. I basically sucked at life once again. Why bother trying when in the end, every situation can turn against you. I guess "trying and sucking at it" is a trifle better than just giving up? I don't know.

Random Thought: Church

2010-10-20T20:42:00.003-04:00

I think I need to find one.
A church to go to.
Been thinking about it.
May be a passing thing.
Or not.
But my spirit feels hungry.
And I think I need to feed it.

The Sounds of Silence

2010-10-19T12:58:00.001-04:00

Moments of quiet.
Snippets of solitude.
In an empty room.
In a crowd.
I grab at the fringes of my self-imposed solitary confinement.
Alone in my soliloquy of thoughts.
It despairs and rejuvenates me.
Yin and yang.
Shadows of light and dark.

Letting Go and Letting Loose

2010-10-18T08:15:00.001-04:00

I had a great time at the bachelorette party last weekend. What started with dread ended with a breath of fresh air. It was a revelatory evening for me.

When I first started out for the evening, I really didn't want to go or be there. The feeling I had can best be described as a tight corset around me middle, making it hard to breathe. As I walked to the Melting Pot, I plotted out my early exit, blaming my jetlag, of course.

During dinner, I started to open up. And ended up having a great time. Germaine really helped me with that. She is funny and nice and so GENUINE! I have a feeling we have a lot more in common than meets the eye. And since she is blond blue-eyed and considerably smaller than me, there is not a lot of "common" that meets the eye!

Karaoke was a blast. I even sang a few duets with Katie and Brad! And we all sat on the couch and sang together. The walls started coming down and I let myself go a little.

At Gypsy, I spent the better part of the evening dancing. When we first got there, someone handed me a shot of something. It was lightly sweet and fruity tasting. Just one shot with water the rest of the night. But the walls had come down, and I was having a great time. I danced and danced and I felt completely free.

I haven't felt that kind of freedom in a long time. I danced and sang with wild abandon. I know I surprised a few people. Jenn had confidence in the person I was underneath and was insistent in drawing me out. I realized that I was so constricted that I wasn't the person that even I know that I am. I was aging myself. Burying myself in my own depression, and under the weight of the world I put on myself.

Instead of fully living life, and FEELING life, it's as if I only I watched it unfold through a peep hole. And the FEELING felt good. But the Self-Restraint hovered around the fringes of my mind.

How much time have I wasted?
It will be a lot of work and "feeling" can be scary.
But, no more.

My First Bachelorette Party

2010-10-17T07:55:00.002-04:00

Last night I went to my first bachelorette party ever. Every woman I've told this to recently was shocked about this fact. I never knew that it was so de riguer to go to these things. I remember seeing them so many times over the year, with large hoards dressed in funny hats, face paints, childish costumes with veils and hats and invariably a shirt or a sign that said "bride." I vowed that I was never participating in such a scene. And I was successful until last night.

The good news was that this was a group of 9 older professional women. We even had two doctors in the group, one of which was on call, and a gay man named Brad! LOL.

Recovering from jet lag, I had no desire to go to this thing. I mean, it started at 5:30PM - prime drowsiness hour!! And God only knew when it would end! So while Joseph went off to the Bachelor party, I slowly made my way to the Melting Pot where we would all meet for dinner.

I got to the Melting Pot 10 minutes late and sat down. I heard a voice and looked up to see Germaine. We waited about 10 minutes before the rest of the party to arrived.

I sat on the end with Germaine, Kara (who I already knew pretty well) toward my left and Jenn to my right. Across from Jenn were Kristie and Brad. The other end had Leslie (who none of us knew that well), Katie and then Stacy. Turned out Emily was meeting us at the next venue.

Dinner was good. Germaine and I agreed that fondue was too much work. And we both like anything sauvignon blanc from Marlborough region in New Zealand. And we shared three bottles of wine at our end of the table. I was really nice getting to know Germaine, who I've always really liked but didn't really know too well.

Kristie is someone I only met recently through Joseph who met her through Jenn. Nice girl but there is a hard edge about her. Half the time was spent talking about a guy named Mark from Australia who is coming in for the wedding. Mark is "marked" for Kristie. And evidently they've been emailing and getting to know each other! After the night was over, I still didn't know her that well. Actually she was the only one that I didn't get a good sense of.

Brad is amazing. The women were all over him. But that's easy to do with a guy that's "one of the girls.". There is no commitment and no pressure.

After dinner we went to Limelight and had our own Karaoke room. Brad ran the operations and sang. He knew so many songs - even the rap ones. And rap is hard!

After limelight, we were supposed to go to the Good Times for dancing. Instead, we ended up a block away at Gypsy. When we got there, we were one of the first ones. We all got on the floor and danced together. Brad, of course, was in the middle. As the crowd built, there were a lot of single guys standing around and looking on. I know that Brad was the envy of all the men, dancing with a bevy of the fittest and athletic women in the whole place! It was quite a show!

Afterwards, we went to Kings where the men were. Emily decided to stay and dance while Germaine had called it an early night because of early morning calls at the hospital. And Leslie went home after Karaoke since she was on call.

Joseph had gone home already since he was running a marathon in the morning. It had an 8am start and he was looking at an hour drive to get there!

Before I left, I spent a brief moment talking to Jason, Brian and Jay. Jay is Germaine's boyfriend and I was glad to talk to him. He is such a nice guy and I got to know him a little better.

I came home and I could hear Joseph fast asleep. He sounded exhausted. I am glad to say that I tiptoed around without waking him.

My Friend John

2010-10-16T16:51:00.000-04:00

I had a friend named John.
I met him when we were 12.
When we were 16, we both started working at the local Dairy Queen. He cooked. I dealt with the customers.

He was a nice guy. So sweet. Quiet. Contemplative. Different from the others in a world of elite children going to an elite school from families of doctors and lawyers. He didn't hang out. He just was whoever he was and he was kind. Always kind.

And most important he was nice to me.
When almost no one else really was.

And now he is dead.
He took his own life a week ago.
A wife and three small children survive him with a host of other people who loved him.

Rest in peace, John.
I hope you found safety from the demons you faced.
And I hope you can help us chase our own demons away.

Rest in peace.

It's time to be human

2010-10-16T06:01:00.003-04:00

I saw my Daddy last night. He came to me at my most vulnerable moment. Falling down from sheer exhaustion, delirious from lack of sleep, and on the verge of hallucinations. I think that's when the Native Americans saw their visions.

Anyway, I put my head on my pillow and my Daddy whispered in my ear.

"It's time to be fully human."

And I saw Joseph and my Daddy meeting in Joseph's dream so many years ago. A wordless greeting and exchange. A smile and a nod. The picture faded and my family appeared. JJ, Joseph and me playing a game on the floor of our green living room, laughing and hugging and arguing about who's winning. Of course, JJ insisting he is winning and changing all the rules. :o)

And my Daddy said "It's time to be fully human."

It reminds me of something Jesus said to Zacchaeus in Rev 3:20:

“Look, I am standing at the door, knocking. If one of you hears me calling and opens the door, I will come in to share a meal at that person’s side.”

It is time to open the door of my heart because my family is knocking. They will not force their way in. I must invite them in and let them nestle there forever.

And so the inward journey has started. With the full approval and a slap from my Daddy, reaching from the ashes of his bones hidden in a box somewhere telling me it's time to grow up and be what was foretold. And live the dream that I have built. That Joseph and I have built.

In my 51st year, I will be reborn and become a fully human.

Good things can happen

2010-10-13T21:12:00.001-04:00

In a world where there is often so little to celebrate, good things can happen.

This just in:
Breaking News Alert
The New York Times
Wed, October 13, 2010 -- 8:56 PM ET
-----

Rescuers Pull All 33 Miners to Safety in Chile

Two months, nine days and eight hours after their excruciating ordeal began, the last of the 33 miners trapped in an apartment-sized hole a half mile under Chile was delivered safely to the earth's surface, capping one of the most dramatic survival stories in mining history.

With the entire nation rapt and much of the world riveted, the last miner, Luis Urzua, rose smoothly out of the small hole in the ground, prompting an eruption of applause and cheers that seemed just as heartfelt as the outpouring that followed the emergence of the first miner nearly a day earlier.

Friday, October 22, 2010

2010-10-13T15:40:00.000-04:00

102210

There will be a new dawn.

Time to start over again

2010-10-13T08:55:00.000-04:00

Blogging. Need to start back up. Writing has always been a form of therapy for me. I did it when I was younger. I made up stories and turned my miserable life into fairy tales. And in 9th grade, the fruit of my pain and depression actually won an award. Go figure.

Working out. Been a while. About three weeks. The PF is still hovering around the edges so I am extra vigilant. And it's too cold for me to get back to biking outdoors. It's too bad because I was just getting started when I left for India. And Jenn and Andy are still living with us so the exercise room will be off limits for another month I think. There are always a lot of excuses to be found. Tonight I have Scary Trainer so that will give me a good jump start.

Eating less. This is the second time I've gone to India and come back 2 pounds less than when I left. Last time, instead of keeping it off, I gained it back and added another five pounds.

Renewal. The longest journey is the journey inward. I'm starting my search for inward renewal. Having JJ here has open up old wounds which I have buried inside the angry walls of my subconscious. Instead of turning my back on those walls and denying their existence, it's time to face them, and take them down brick by brick. Find out what fuels my anger before it destroys everything I have.

And so, it is time to make amends, repent for my sins, ask forgiveness from those I love and treasure the most and who I have hurt the most.

It is a new beginning.
But I hope it's not too late. This is my biggest fear of all. What shreds and vestiges of hope I can find, I will cling to.

Riding the Train

2010-10-13T08:12:00.006-04:00

It's been so long since I've taken the T. And for two days now, I've taken the T in and out of the city.

I can't believe I'm going to say this but I've missed it.
The crowds surround me.
It is a time that gives me pause and makes me slow down.
No matter how late or in a hurry you are, it will only go ask fast as it will go. No more and no less.

When I took a mediation workshop once, many many years ago... too many for me to remember exactly how many it was... the leader was late. Turned out he was on the T. And he related how annoyed and agitated he was getting until he realized, there's nothing you can do to go faster.

Accepting a circumstance is something that is in the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. "

I think I need that on my wall.
In my office.
In my bedroom.
How about the bathroom?
Heck, I might as well plaster it all over the shower, too, while I'm at it.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. "
Ok. On second thought, that might be a tall order.
How about if God grants me Serenity itself to start with?
That might be easier for Him.

80 to 50

2010-10-13T07:44:00.002-04:00

I think it's time to get out the scarves and gloves.

I went from 70 degrees here to 80 degrees in Bangalore for two weeks and I came back to 50 degrees.

I think it's time to go to Texas.
I hear it's warmer there.

Question of the Day

2010-10-12T17:41:00.000-04:00

WHY would you wear a scarf, jacket, a hoodie and a sweater on top. And flip flops on your feet?

Running outside

2010-09-28T21:48:00.003-04:00

I am back in India. Bangalore. This time at the Leela Palace. I like the Taj West End better but the Leela has a better fitness facility.

This morning, I discovered the new meaning of running outdoors.
Ran by the pool on a treadmill.
So much better than the 80 degrees inside of the fitness center.
I went down there this morning and every single machine was in use! So I saw a helper and said I had to wait. He asked if I knew about the treadmills by the pool. I said "no" and so he had another helper take me out. And then he passed me to yet another helper who set me up with a towel and water bottle!

Afterwards, he showed me a shortcut back to the lobby elevators instead of going through the fitness club roundabout way!

And the best part was no loud rock music.
At 6am.
Jeez.

9-11 Forever In My Mind

2010-09-11T10:47:00.002-04:00

Random Thought: Coffee

2010-09-08T08:42:00.002-04:00

Feels like a Starbucks kindaday.

Note to Self: Bike Rides

2010-09-07T20:40:00.002-04:00

Remind me never to do a hard bike ride the day before Scary Trainer.
No mercy.

Hurricane Earl

2010-09-03T09:01:00.003-04:00

All week, all we heard about was Hurricane Earl. And now that it's arrival is imminent, turns out it's nothing but spit.

Ok. Maybe not. But it went from a category 4 to a 3 and now it's a 2 as it passes by the Carolina coast (poor Outer Banks - every single year!) and when it arrives it won't even have a number. I think they call that a tropical storm or something. Who knows.

Every year, there's a lotta hoopla about the hurricanes. Some are as bad a predicted but most peter out by the time they get here. But just in case, people are taking boats out of the water, evacuating the Cape and Outer Island, and of course, stocking up on food. For a one day event. Because tomorrow it's supposed to be beautiful albeit a bit windy. So one day. And it's all going to happen overnight.

I don't get it.

I am so glad we have another month or two of food and water in the basement.

Successor for Wayne

2010-09-02T05:53:00.009-04:00

So, at work we have to name our successors. And as a manager, I have to name a successor for all my direct reports. One of them, who has tons of experience and who I have been working with for years and years - too many to count - is especially difficult. And after talking to someone in another group, I suddenly had an "Aha! moment!" So I emailed Wayne and Lilly about it.

ME: I have a successor for Wayne!!Been talking to him. He's been here for 25 years! Everything from Operations to database and mainframe to distributed. Used to do Wayne's job for Maria. I feel better now. This was worrying me so much! Now I have a viable name for the box!

LILLY: I thought he's coming as Peter's replacement! Can you put this on Wayne's 2011 goal? Find Lilly a Lilly? LOL.

ME: I know! But if that doesn't work out I mean! GB said if we find Lilly a Lilly, go ahead and hire her and we'll figure it out. He said that. Seriously.

WAYNE: Hi, I just finished making a soup for tomorrow and found out I have a successor! I don't remember meeting him face to face other than phone call and email.

LILLY: Soup? I love soup... What kind of soup? And what does it have to do with your successor? Sorry, my brain is dead.

WAYNE: Winter melon.

LILLY: Wow!! I love that... With meat?

ME: Bring some soup for Lilly! It will revive her brain!

LILLY: Sounds good!!

So much for the successor.
Sheesh.

Inertia

2010-09-01T09:09:00.001-04:00

I have been in my office for about an hour.
And I have moved so little that the automated light in my office just turned off.

Sigh...

I am so tired that my head hurts

2010-09-01T08:03:00.002-04:00

It doesn't help that my allergies are kicking in.
Sore throat.
Runny nose.
Sneezing.
Itchy eyes.

ARG!!!

Joseph is coming back this morning.
THANK THE GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN!!!

The Dog.
The Kid (not that I see him much or have to do much with him).
Late nights due to work and appointments.

It's only been two days but it feels like a damn month!

I can't imagine being a single parent.
I'd have to give up the dog or the kid.
Seriously.

Guess which is more trouble.
It's kind of a toss up.
I might have to get rid of both.
Sheesh.

Falling while Driving

2010-09-01T07:34:00.003-04:00

Heard on the radio this morning:

"...man fell out his car while driving I-95. People stopped to help the man. He was alright. The car continued on for two tenths of a mile before crashing into the guard rail."

Ok.
How does that even happen?
How do you fall out of a car WHILE YOU ARE DRIVING??
Wasn't he wearing his seatbelt??
Idiot.

And how about the people who stopped to help him?
On I-95.
That's a HIGHWAY!
Are they crazy??

And the car crashing into a guard rail?
Uh... let's state the obvious, why don't we??

Ok.
Must be a slow news morning.

A Good day

2010-08-31T17:51:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was a good day. Joseph left for a 3-day conference in Portland, Maine, on Sunday. This time, I was prepared. I was organized.

I ran in the morning yesterday, walked Dingle Doggie, walked to and from the garage, walked around at work. It got in over 16000 steps. That's about 7 or 8 miles. I stuck to under 1600 calories for the day. I ate at work. It was a perfect diet day. The only thing better is if I had less carbs but this is week one of Phase I so it's ok.

Today we took peter to lunch for his last day. I get one cheat meal in two weeks but day 2 is too early. So I ate half the meal which was HUGE and quite tasty and was quite disciplined about it. The only issue is the amount of carbs.

As for dinner, I am going to keep doing this. Or try to. I'll eat early, at work if I have to, come home and just feed JJ and be done with it. Who says I have to screw up my eating just because I am feeding the kid? It's good to show him that he isn't tied to conform to what other people eat and when they eat. Which is what happened to me. And then I end up feeling bad. Which begs the question "why? What does it matter?"

So this is it. I must eat early.

And no wine. Or less of it. Today it would have taken me over the calorie limit. I get red when I drink because, like 99% of all Asians, I don't have the enzyme to metabolize it. Doesn't mean I can't drink. Just not every night. Screws up my system. I just don't know how. I should google it.

Today was a good day. My thinking is slowly changing. It's hard but I have to keep thinking this way.

Time for a change

2010-08-31T05:29:00.002-04:00

Actually many changes.
Every single watch I own needs a new battery.
And I own about 20 watches.

This time instead of buying a new watch, I will replace the battery.
In this case, it's batteries...
20 of them.

Yup.
It's time.
I think I made a pun.

Oh. Except for the one with the purple strap. It's still running. But I can't exactly where it with anything I own which is probably why it's still in a box.

Sigh...

Seen this morning on the back window of a car

2010-08-30T07:32:00.003-04:00

Brookline High School.

I struck me as a bit odd.
Since it's the only high school in Brookline.
So why not have one that just says High School?
Better yet, we all know it's in Brookline so why have it at all?
Unless you want to tell the world you have a high school kid.
A teenager.
Not sure why that would be a badge of honor.
Other than the fact that you are dealing with on.
In which case you deserve a medal.

Ok.
I think I got it.
Never mind.

7:30 is the Magic Number

2010-08-25T08:01:00.002-04:00

And everything is just faster at that time of the morning.
Leave after that and you end up in nightmare traffic and it takes you 15 to 30 minutes longer to get where you want to go.
It's not right.
But it's how it is.

Coral Seafood off Route 85 in Marlboro

2010-08-24T07:27:00.003-04:00

Coral Seafood.
Kinda Florida-ish.
In New England.

The entire leadership team here is for the Oracle CVC this week. So to kick start the week, we went their for dinner.

Nicely stocked bar.
Good service.
Nice menu.
Reasonable prices.
Good portions.
Tasty food.
A nice wine list.

Jeez.
In the middle of Marlboro?
In a strip mall??

Who knew.

TOAST!

2010-08-17T08:47:00.002-04:00

GAH! My toast is toast. I made and packed my breakfast and I forgot the toast that is still sitting in the toaster at home in my kitchen.

Ugh.

I am so damn annoyed.

Productivity is the spice of life

2010-08-16T08:45:00.002-04:00

Ok. Maybe getting out of the house is the spice of life.

After a week of working from home because of JJ and his tonsil surgery, I am happy to say that I survived and I am now at work in my office. And even though I didn't do much but sit around and wait for some possible life-threatening bleed and even though Carrie was there to watch him, I know that my productivity decreased somewhat as the week wore on. Actually, as the week dragged on.

But what I didn't know was how looking forward to coming into the office I was until this morning when I went through the usual harried morning routine before coming into work. And as stressed as I was to get out of the house, I was so happy to be getting out of the house!

Now I know at least two things:

I cannot be a stay at home mom. Not at all. I would become miserable, unproductive and depressed. Not to mention never see the light of day.
I cannot work from home as my official office. Once in a while is fine. But every single day is definitely out of the question.>/li>

I am coming to the office all week.
All. Week.

I am sooooo happy.

A more interesting day...

2010-07-27T12:21:00.003-04:00

I forgot to bring my gum.

Dang.

No traffic! I made it with time to spare

2010-07-26T21:47:00.002-04:00

Took me about 30 minutes.
Mapquest said it would take 23 minutes.
With time addded for the traffic lights, that's pretty close to perfect timing.

Of course now I am early!

Random Thought: Tight Pleats

2010-07-26T16:38:00.002-04:00

Ok.
I know you're in technology and all BUT...
When your pant pleats stretch and strain, your pants are too tight.

Seriously.

A flash from my past

2010-07-23T17:46:00.006-04:00

Riding the train tonight, there was a group of girls giggling.
I looked over once.
They were young.

Then I looked over twice.
Hair pulled back.
All the same height
Clear skin and all bones.

Pink tights.
Comfortable shoes.
Loose tanks layered with lightweight hoodies

Dancers.
I remember and I wish.
The only thing from my youth that I wish for still.

Observation of the Day: Chinese Biking in the Rain

2010-07-23T17:46:00.005-04:00

The last time I saw this was in China last year. This morning, I saw it again.

A bike rider in the rain holding an open umbrella.
While riding.
On the sidewalk.
No helmet, of course.
He was Chinese.

Could be a Chinese thing.

Note to my Boss: Death By Meeting

2010-07-23T10:02:00.003-04:00

We are in the middle of enlightening ourselves about the meaning of Death by Meeting. We're all reading the book.

And a perfect illustration of such a death is this TLA call I've been on since 8:30 am. And it's still going strong.

After listening to [the bull in the China Shop's] voice and his typing for an hour, I
hung up.

Amazingly, I did not explode.
:o|

I cannot wait to read the book.

Random Thought: Purple hair

2010-07-22T08:50:00.002-04:00

I don't get it.

WHY?????

Cappuccino Muffins

2010-07-20T09:45:00.003-04:00

My team in Rhode Island moved from one building to another one just across the way (we move around a lot) and today I am here in the new building.

The good news is that the section where my team sits is a doorway away from the cafeteria.
The bad news is the the section where my team sits is a doorway away from the cafeteria. Huh.

The other good news is that they have cappuccino muffins. Homemade cappuccino muffins.
The bad news is... they are homemade cappuccino muffins.
Yah. Really.

Who ever knew cappuccino muffins existed?
Anywhere in this world??
Of course I had to try one.
And my God, they are good.
It's crackly as you bit into it and super duper moist.
Not too sweet with a hint of brown sugar and a full flavor of café latte.
Seriously.

The bad news is that I might have to come down here more.
The worse news is that the traffic hasn't gotten much better.

Random Thought: Yellow Teeth

2010-07-20T06:07:00.002-04:00

Never trust a guy with yellow teeth.

Trigger Finger

2010-07-19T15:59:00.003-04:00

I finally decided that living with thumb pain for the rest of my life was not really acceptable and went to the doctor this morning.

Doctor walks in.

Doctor: Let's see what's going on.

Me: I think it's tendinitis

Doctor: Okay.

Me: You know. Because I'm a doctor and all.

Doctor: [smile] I'm going to hold your hand in certain areas and then ask you make a fist. [Goes through the drill.]

Doctor: You have Trigger Finger.

Me: What?

Doctor: It happens to very active women who are around menopause. It
could happens 3-6 times in your life, it depends. The tendon is constantly used and it gets thick and it is too big for the tunnels that it goes through. And over time it gets irritated.

Me: Can I do something?

Doctor: No. You need a cortisone shot.

Me: Oh no.

Doctor: You need a cortisone shot. It will take care of it in 90% of the cases.

Me: Oh no.

Doctor: Sometimes it takes two, and rarely will it require surgery. You need a cortisone shot.

Me: Will it hurt?

Doctor: Yup.

Me: A lot?

Doctor: Yup.

ARG!!!!!

Me: Okay.

Doctor: [whips a syringe out of his shirt pocket]

Me: You came prepared.

Doctor: after you, I will see 5 or 6 more just like you. [smiles.]

Me: Oh.

The shot hurt like a mutha. But not as much as the shot in the heel. THANK GOD!

It will take about a week to totally shrink (the tendon is supposed to shrink). And I do not have to do anything special between now and then. If after two weeks I still have some pain, come back for another shot. As IF!

Hopefully, I will not need a second shot.
It still aches a little but I've banged it around quite a bit today.
And even so, it is not as painful as it would have been prior to the shot in the same situation.

There is hope.

Mysterious Food-Born Illness

2010-07-19T09:00:00.002-04:00

I think Joseph solved the mystery of why I got so sick during the trip last week. (And I'm just starting to feel somewhat "right" almost five days later, I might note.)

Yesterday, Joseph said he opened up a protein drink and nothing would come out. So when it was forced out, the stuff was globby and yellow. That's when the lightbulb went on.

Last Wednesday (I think) I had a protein drink while waiting for breakfast (which was late because the hotel was having massive issues with delivery for two freekin' days!) And I drank it straight from the container with a straw as I usually do. This time I noticed it seemed a little curdled but I didn't think much of it since it tasted ok.

Then breakfast arrived and I had the yogurt. Then I promptly threw up from about 9am until 1pm. True daughter of a doctor that I am, I knew that was to cure and made myself throw up. I felt much better after everything was out of my system.

Over the weekend I was still lethargic and tired. I had 11 hrs and 10 hrs of sleep, respectively. And now that it's Monday and a work day, I am almost feeling up to snuff. But I am still not 100%.

Of course, you would think I'd lose some weight for all the non-eating I did. And of course, I didn't. Figures.

Magic Soup

2010-07-14T22:14:00.000-04:00

Lilly brought a bowl of udon noodle soup from the restaurant and delivered it to my room. It was so good after eating only a half an english muffin all day.

We sat and chatted while I ate.
Noting like the magic of soup.
Comfort food.
And the warming company of a good friend.

There is nothing better for a cure.

Sick in bed

2010-07-14T19:55:00.003-04:00

No idea what happened.
One minute I am fine.
Next minute I'm down.

Actually, I think it started with dinner last night.
A little scotch, a little wine, combined with travel fatigue, not enough water,and a heavy steak dinner.

Mix that with a breakfast of protein drink, fruit yogurt and chia seeds after a fitful night of not getting enough sleep...

After a full morning of getting sick and emptying my stomach in between meetings, I am a little bit better.
I am recovering.
Very tired.
Not hungry.
Drinking lots of water.
Lilly and Wayne went to dinner alone.
I might have them bring me back some rice with soy sauce if I don't fall asleep.

I'm going to go to sleep early if I can.
I'm really exhausted.

DON'T FLY AMERICAN AIRLINES!!

2010-07-12T21:14:00.000-04:00

American Airlines SUCKS!!!! This is yet another Epic Saga in the American Airlines Sucks journal.

I traveled to Dallas again yesterday. I am checked in early. I always get to the airport early. I do not get a seat assignment and I find out the plane is delayed until 10:30AM from the original 9:15 am flight. Okay. I can deal with that. Just download some files, get some work done early, etc.

I go to the departure gate and the agent there says to go to Gate 30 and see the rebooking agent there. So there I am standing in line. There is ONE agent at the rebooking desk. I am the third person fourth person in line. The first person in front takes another 10 minutes from the time I get there. Then the next person walks up. She is there for about 20-25 minutes. I look back and there are 10-12 people in line and the line is growing! Like a tumor!

Luckily the guy in front takes a call on his cell phone and steps out of line. I am next.

AGENT: Oh. I can't rebook you.

ME: What?

AGENT: They should have told you. They switched to a smaller plane so I can't rebook you. We are oversold by about 40 people. You have to talk to the gate agent when the gate opens for checking in.

What?? You replaced the plane for a SMALLER PLANE???

So I go back to sit. I am so pissed.
Then up come Lilly and Wayne. They both have seat assignments. All I get from Lilly is "you shouldn't arrive too late, you got here too early, you should be late like me, blah blah blah..." Whatever. Ugh.

So I go back out of the terminal, back to check in, and talk to the nice lady behind the counter.

LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER: By the time you get this notice, it's too late.

ME: I am traveling with two other people and they got seats.

LBTC: Well... you should go back to the gate, and tell them that.

ME: Will it work???

LBTC: Walk up with your friends. There ARE sears available.

ME: Ok.

So I walk through the INSANE STUPID SECURITY LINE and head back to the gate. Ugh.

I stand in the line for the gate agent that is not there. And wait and wait. And Wait. I glance over to Gate 30. I look around the sitting area at the departure gate. I see Wayne sitting there. I call him on the cell phone.

ME: Wayne, can you come and stand in my place?

Wayne: OK!

While he is holding my place, I walk to Gate 30 again. So damn slow. What is it with the SINGLE AGENT Helping DOZENS of people and taking 20 minutes EACH???

I look over at out departure gate. Nothing. Nothing. Then Wayne waves. I start to call and notice that the gate agents are there. So I walked back over. This line moves a bit more quickly.

My turn.

ME: I am traveling with two other people.

AGENT: Who are there?

ME: Her [pointing to Lilly]. And him [pointing to Wayne]. [Lilly and Wayne are sitting there oblivious to my personal crisis!]

AGENT: [nodding] Okay.

ME: Anything you can do would be appreciated.

So... I sit and wait. In the meantime the time is delayed again.
10:40.
Then 11:30.
Then 12:00
Then 12:40.

In the meantime, they are looking to give $300 to 7 volunteers willing to give up their seat. There are two seats on the 10:15, two seats on the 12:15 and 3 seats on the 4:15. Of course the 10:15 and the 12:15 leave without a single delay! BAH!!!

My name is called and I get a seat.
It's a window seat.
Sigh...
Figures!!!

So, that is my tale of woe.
Unbelievable!

American is so bad.
We all agree that we will now fly Delta even if it means a connection.
I never have issues with Delta.
Delta and Jet Blue (I added that one recently due to all the trips to the West Coast that I make).

At least I was not someone who had a connection.
Let me tell you about some pissed off people.
OMG!

Vacationing with LIlly

2010-06-30T12:01:00.001-04:00

We went to RI for the weekend. Joseph rented a house in South Kingstown. So who knew that South Kingstown would be 30 miles away from North Kingstown??

The two families got a long great. JJ played with Emma and Rachel and had an absolute ball. On Saturday, we went to the RI airshow. Our friend Carole and her husband Steve, can over afterwards for dinner. Had the best time cooking, and eating and drinking! LOL.

On Sunday, I went for a bike ride. I wish I had brought my other bike for Lilly. I think it will fit her fine. But she needs shoes for the clips. Or maybe the hybrid that I never use. On the way home from my bike ride, I passed Lilly with the kids walking on the side of the road. No one recognized me except for Rachel! LOL! Even JJ didn't think it was me. I don't blame them. I don't look like the usual me when I am decked out in my bike gear.

Afterwards, we went to Narraganset to an art show. Ho hum... boring. Nothing too interesting. It was REALLY hot and SUNNY (which I hate) and lots of pictures and drawing. Whatever. Next year, we really need to rent a house together in Narragansett.

Lilly and family went back on Sunday. I was so bummed out. Andrew had to work. He rules that house in so many ways. They should have brought two cars!! JJ missed the girls that night. I felt bad for his loneliness.

Monday, we came home and Jenn and Andy had cleaned the house. Again. Yes. They moved in. More on that later.

Random Thought: Hand Doctor

2010-06-22T14:16:00.003-04:00

I think I need to call the Hand Doctor.
Blackberry Thumb prevails.
:o(

Out of the Blue

2010-06-16T10:37:00.003-04:00

So, this morning at the coffee station, someone I see at work, have been in a few meetings with, who I nod at and say hello to but not much more than that, walked by me and said, "you're looking good these days."

ME: Why, thank you. That's very nice of you.

[He walks by and I think he had to clarify himself... so back he comes..]

HIM: I mean there is a something... [waving his arms a bit]...something [he's Russian so I think it's a "language thing"]....something... like a light that comes out of you... is all around you....

ME: Oh. Thank you....

So what else can you say to that? It was a totally innocent approach, nothing covert or hidden agenda since I don't work with him and just pass him in the hall a few times a month. Maybe. If that.

I think that is about the best compliment I've ever received.
Seriously.

Another Ball Park!

2010-06-13T14:09:00.003-04:00

Gonna go to Petco Park in San Diego at the end of July when I am there for a conference for work. Got tickets for the Padres / Dodgers game. Happy happy happy!!! Good seats too! Infield box. Right behind the home bench. The only think I am worried about is the stupid mascot that stands up there doing foolish things that will block my view.

My friend Lilly is going with me.
I am treating.
She said she'd buy the food.
Uh... it's really expensive, I told her.

She said she'd never been to a baseball game.

.... ..... ?????????

WHAT?

Huh. Okayyyyy.
NEVER??
Really.

Well she is in for a treat.
Especially when she finds out that every single inning has a food attached to it, culminating with the Ice Cream in the Hat after the Seventh Inning Stretch.

I wonder if she knows the words to "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."

More tales from Work

2010-06-11T12:47:00.003-04:00

My boss is killing me. We had a meeting with a vendor and my boss asked me to write up all of the notes and next steps and send out to the group. And being the lowest rung manager (except for My Good Friend Lilly who I know is capturing all the notes verbatim), I say ok.

So he forwards my note verbatim to the CIO, who then sends that note to my boss’s boss and a bunchaother people. GAK!

ME: People need to start deleting my name from things!

BOSS: Hah. Your name gives me instant credibility as sponsor. I would not have deleted a thing. :-)

ME: [thinking: I hate visibility] I'm going to come up and commit Hari Kari right outside your door.

[I forward the note to a few of my mangers, so they can see all the work I will be delegating to them.]

ME: My boss is KILLING ME!

LILLY: I had to look up Hari Kari [she’s Chinese, English, much less Japanese is not her first language]. LOL.

ME: Lilly, don't laugh. After he's done killing me, you're next! HAH!

[...Radio Silence...]

LOVE IT!

It never ends

2010-06-10T05:49:00.002-04:00

I hurt my left foot. Top outside below the ankle bone. No idea how but I can barely stand on it. Started hurting as I left work yesterday.

This really sucks. Not to mention I'm finally getting back on my workout routine. It's been about 18 days of working out so far. And it's not like I'm doing anything high impact. All I've been doing is walking and swimming!

Well this just sucks.

Emma's story book

2010-06-09T19:34:00.004-04:00

Emailing my friend, Lilly, from at work.

LILLY: So, tomorrow will be Emma's last school day. She brought back a bag of goodies (school work)today. And one of them was her story book. All funny stories and pictures. Most of them were around Rachel (big sister) this, Rachel that, and stuff they did together. Towards the end of the book, I read this:

"My mom's boss is very mean!!"

Followed by the picture with a nice mommy (me with orange hair of course), and a "shouting boss." Eyes crossed, mouth wide open, with NO HANDS OR ARMS.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

ME: :o| [thinking: wait, I'm the boss...] Ok. That's not really all that funny.

LILLY: It is very funny. I swear that I have no idea where Emma got that from... She loves you. You looked pretty on the picture - She's going to add arms and hands later. Minor fix.:)))) I will bring it to the airshow [in two weeks].

ME: [thinking: glad she thinks it's "minor"] Hmph. I am not interested.

LILLY: Ok, just clarified with Emma - the "boss" in her picture was Wayne [someone we work with who used to be her boss]. LOL.

ME: HAH! LOL! Good. I will look at it at the airshow.

Diet. Starts. TODAY.

2010-06-08T08:39:00.001-04:00

As of this morning.

Random Thought: Heat and Humidity

2010-06-03T13:32:00.002-04:00

OMG.
It's so hot and humid I feel like I'm having one long hot flash.
And I'm sweating like a pig.
Serious.

Rivulets of water running down my face.
Like a shroud.

A SHROUD.
It is THAT bad.

Really.

Bye

2010-06-02T13:25:00.004-04:00

We had a RIF.
Another one.
It seems like it's happening every six months.
But in a couple of weeks, we are meeting with one of the execs to tell them why my team is "different" and why we can't continue laying people off every six months. And my boss is supporting us in this seemingly impossible endeavor.

Anyway, I got the following email from someone who was impacted:

"Just wanted to say bye and thank for keeping me safe this long. I appreciate the opportunities I’ve had. I am sad but OK with this.

Here is my info for now. I ask only that you don’t share any of it with anyone without telling me first. I’m temporarily with my mom but the phone is my cell phone."

So sitting idle in Philadelphia, waiting to catch the next flight, I check in with the team.

And to the last man... What does it say about a management team when people break down, not at the mention of their impact and loss of a job, but at the mention of the relationship and the bond between people? That we value our time with them and they have made this a better organization. And that they are special to us in this organization. And to me.

We don't read from a script.
HR doesn't know that.

It goes further to support my premise that humanity and dignity are the fuels that make this organization, and the people in it, great.

This one really hit home.

So. Freekin'. Sad.
Seriously.

First Ride of the Season

2010-05-30T10:56:00.003-04:00

Actually, it's the first ride of TWO seasons.
Yeah. It's pretty lame.

It was hard. Very hard.
My back hurt, my butt hurt, my hands and arms hurt.
Everything hurt.
Poor Joseph went out with me - after his 50-miler yesterday and 10-mile run this morning. At least it was slow enough that he could have eaten a full course meal while riding.

Yeah. That slow.
At least it was a nice recovery ride for him.

I am really out of shape.
Really Really out of shape.
Really.

9.38 miles in 43 minutes.
Really slow.
Really really slow.

Now I have it in my head that I might do a century later this summer.
Maybe.

But I can't be that slow.
Or it will take me two days to finish.

Question: Do you expect us to write a self eval?

2010-05-27T16:20:00.000-04:00

It's that time of year when we do merit reviews.

ME: Do you expect us to write a self eval?

MY BOSS: Yes. Please. Be brief, to the point.

ME: OK. I'm wonderful and I work hard. LOL.

MY BOSS: :o)

Slow news day

2010-05-26T05:57:00.003-04:00

From MN: woman delivers baby in traffic on highway.

From OH: police delivers fawn after giving deer mouth to mouth.

It doesn't get more interesting than this...right.

Open Letter to Elizabeth the Niece's Parents

2010-05-23T16:00:00.005-04:00

Elizabeth is a fabulous person.

You have done a wonderful job of raising her. Most parents don't do it well while living in the same house with their children. You did it while living on the other side of the world.

Life is a journey and she has weathered many storms to get here. Your belief in her so many years ago made her brave and strong. And we were just a port for her rest in as she wants to. Everyday, she goes out into the mailstrom of life alone, and makes her own way. Every single day. You should be proud of her. And of yourselves.

We are very proud of her. She has grown so much. We will miss her when she goes to Houston but we'll always be here for her.

She has brought us laughter and love. Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with us.

Random Thought: Game Boy

2010-05-23T15:52:00.002-04:00

Thank God for the Game Boy.
It's 15 years old - older than The Boy.
But it still works.
And that's all that matters!
Especially during a long and boring graduation ceremony.
Tough for a 9 year old boy to sit through.

Yup.

Commencement Commercial Break

2010-05-23T15:39:00.003-04:00

Brought to you direct from the Alumni Association and Ruth E Harcovitz.

"Send us your email, stay in touch, and don't forget to contribute to your alumni association. Donations are always welcome..."

Uh... What happened to the inspiring speech about your role in inspiring future prospective musicians? And how you have a responsibility to the world to keep music alive? I could have done a better job, for crying out loud. And I'm not a musician and I don't even get why anyone would spend $50,000 a year to get a piece of paper saying that you are.

What a wasted opportunity.
What an idiot.

Another Graduation

2010-05-23T15:18:00.003-04:00

We are at Elizabeth the Niece's graduation from NEC and I'm sitting next to John the Nephew. Of course we are sitting right in front of and off to the side of the trumpet quartet. Complete with TRUMPETS. Yah.

The processional has started and we're straining to find Elizabeth.
Who is probably going to be sitting right below us in the orchestra area.
Of course.

Me: What's Elizabeth wearing?

John: (slight pause) Black.

Me: Right.